Perfect Redemption

Thirty: In Which She Loves Him Goodbye

    Fear consumes every part of me as Jax and I make our escape. Every step I take is daunting. We're on high alert, our eyes darting everywhere for any sign of movement. I'm suddenly gripped with paranoia—always looking behind my back, constantly expecting an officer to call me out and tackle me to the ground.

    I notice a flicker of movement from the corner of my eye and I let out a small cry. My instincts immediately kick in and turn around swiftly, breaths coming out in short spurts as I grab my knife and aim it at the source of the sound. A hand clamps on my shoulder and I'm about to lash out but not before he turns me around and cups my face with his huge hands.

    "Blaire," Jax says. "Stop it. Stop. It's nothing. It's just an squirrel. Look."

    He angles my head to the direction of the sound and when I see it, relief floods out of me. A small squirrel appears, its nose scrunching when it notices us staring at it. It pauses for a moment, cocking its head sideways towards us, and then it scurries away.

    I release a heavy breath and shamefully slide my knife back into my boot.

    "It's okay, Blaire," Jax presses a small kiss to my temple in hopes that he'll ease the tension circulation through my body. "I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."

    I nod wordlessly, wanting to believe his words, even though the damage has already been done.

******

    When we're back in the mansion, I head straight to my room, not even looking back to see if Jax had followed me. Part of me hopes that he doesn't.

    Right now, I just need to be alone.

     I immediately strip off all my clothes and go to the bathroom. I turn on the faucet and allow the soft patter of water to calm me. Soothe me. To wash away all of what happened last night.

    But it doesn't work. If anything, the water makes it even worse. Every drop that falls upon me causes pain to erupt in my body. I place my hands flat against the tiled wall and drop my head, gritting my teeth as the water continues to pour on me.

    You shouldn't have run away from them, Blaire, the shadows murmur. You should have given yourself up instead of trying to outrun the cops. You know that deep inside you deserve to go to jail after what you've done.

    Shut up! I mentally curse. Shut up, shut up, shut up!

    Ben is going to jail because of you. Ben, your friend. The guy who took you in when you needed him most. The guy that did nothing but right for you.

    And now, he's paying for all of the crimes you've committed.

    The water form spikes, impaling me over and over again. I let out a painful cry.

    You're a horrible person.

    Stop it! I scream.

    You don't deserve any good that is in this world.

    Stop it!

    What kind of example are you setting for your little brother?

    Stop it, stop it, stop it! I scream again. Stop it! Goddammit!

    You speak of redemption but you're a hypocrite. You don't try to be better. You're the worst of the worst.
    I can't breathe.

    There is no hope in you.