Stumbling through the dark

Don't You Dare Ever Forget That

"Not quite the life of riley, then" Donal commented. "Tell me, how are you adapting to life with MS? It's very early days for you, everything is new and not just a little frightening. You must feel confused and frightened. I know I did" 

"Yeah, I just want to go back to being normal again" Niall said quietly.

"But you are normal Niall. That hasn't changed. You have MS, yes, but you are still normal. What makes you feel otherwise?" Donal probed gently, smiling inwardly when Niall uncrossed his arms and legs and relaxed back into the chair.

"Well I can't have a normal life now, can I. No wife and kids. Who'd want to marry me, for a start. Who'd take that burden?"

"Niall, is that how you see yourself? As a burden?" Donal questioned

"Well, yeah. What if I end up in a wheelchair, useless. I'd.......oh...sorry, sorry. I didn't think" Niall's voice trailed off and he blushed furiously. Donal only laughed.

"Niall, would it help you to know that I've been in a wheelchair for ten years now. Saoirse and I married four years ago and you've seen one of my children. MS isn't a death sentence. Yes, it can be hard and it has it's challenges but then life does anyway. We're always going to have to face that curve ball. For you and I, it's MS. For others it may be something else. We can't go through life trying to predict what may or may not happen. Yes, MS isn't pleasant but then neither are a lot of other things. I have a normal life, I just happen to be in a wheelchair. But I'm still normal..and so are you". Donal watched various emotions flash across Niall's face as he digested what he had just been told.

Niall, you've come close to ending your own life? Can you tell me why you felt that desperate?"Donal asked quietly. "Is there anything particular that triggered it?"

"I just ended up in a dark place. It just seemed like it was the right choice. I didn't want to end up being a wreak. I wanted to remain me and it seemed like the answer. To be honest, it still seems the answer" Niall tried to answer honestly but he struggled to put his thoughts into words. "I can't explain. There was just so much going wrong and it was the only way out"

"Do you still feel like that?" Donal asked

"A few nights ago, I'd have said yes but then when it came to actually doing it, I bottled out. I ended up too scared"

"And today?"

"Niall looked at Donal then looked away. "Maybe, No. No today it looks like the stupid idea it was. I'm just scared tomorrow it will become a brilliant idea again. Donal, I'm scared" Niall admitted.

"Being scared is a sign you know it isn't the right choice Niall. It might not seem like it, but not carry through with swallowing those pills, was a right choice. Deep down , you knew it wasn't the answer. Niall, you are feeling low now and I won't say I can wave a magic wand and having everything perfect for you but you have the ability to come through this. You need to talk about those demons, it will remove their power to hurt you. Therapy isn't a quick fix, it's a slow progression , but it does work. How do you feel about continuing with me? Are you willing to give it a try?"

"Maybe, ok. I'll give it a go" Niall agreed

"Excellent. Now eat those cookies. Saoirse will be charmed if you do"

Niall drove back to Mullingar, his head full of his conversation with Donal. He had agreed to go back again in a few days time. It hadn't been what he had expected. He had actually felt quite at easy with Donal once the initial wariness had worn off and he even ended up laughing a few times as Donal told him some of the funnier experiences he'd had as a result of his MS. And Donal had a  wife and family, despite his health problems. Maybe there might be that opportunity for himself. His head buzzing with all his thoughts, he was surprised to find himself pulling up in front of his father's house.

Niall sat in his car a few moments then let himself out. He'd barely put the key in the door and let himself in when he was engulfed in a massive bear hug.

"Liam!" he yelled with delight "When did you get here? Why are you here?" Liam grinned rather sheepishly as he smiled down at his smaller bandmate.

"Long story, young Nialler. Let's just say Louis sent in the Cavalry" He hugged Niall tightly again, smiling as Niall tucked his head into his neck and hugged back.

"Li...I'm glad you're here, I need you" Niall whispered into Liam's shoulder.

"And I'm here, Ni, as long as you need me. And Louis is just a call away. Don't you dare to ever forget that.

"But Zayn promised........." Niall said brokenly And Liam's heart tore just that little bit more.

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