Poems

Reminders About You

I hate that you are the one person that is able to cause me this much sadness and depression. Never before have I given someone this much power over me. I hate that I have put so much effort into us and as much as you have to I hate that it is never enough. I try and I try so hard to make both of us happy but nothing I do works. I have tried in so many different ways to make it work and every time things are really good something goes wrong and I am once again left sitting here in the darkness of my room, crying, depressed, and alone. You are the one person that can make me happy beyond words and more depressed than I have been in a very long time. I will always be trying. Trying to make you feel better, to make me happy to make those around me think that I am happy and that things will be ok no matter what happens with us.

It does not matter how much I drink to drown my sorrows you are always in the most forefront of my brain. Telling me to stop drinking, telling me that I am worth more than that which only serves to make me want to drink more. To try to get your voice out of my head and to let me have just one moment of happiness without you here. However, it does not matter what I do you are always there. You alone see that I am possibly worth something more than what I am. That I am can be a better person. Nevertheless, right now I cannot see that person. All I see all feel is an empty shell, a shell that misses you every second of every day.

I know that if I turned off those feels when I could I would be a much better person. However, sitting here, alone and venerable I would give anything to just have you for one more night. One night in which I can say goodbye and show you how much I really do love you and how much I care. Nevertheless, I know that that is an impossibility. That even if I embarrassed myself to beg for one more night that you would turn me down. Because even after everything you are a much better person than I would ever be. More selfless more caring more able to separate what you want from what you need. I cannot do that. My heart out weighs every other part of me, telling me to let go, to fight with every inch of my being. But my head is telling me to let go, to give you whatever time and whatever space you need to get better so. Even then will you look at me as a reminder of the past? As someone a part of the time you have fought so hard to forget?

Every time I do anything I am reminded of you. Every time I look down I think of what you mean to me and what I possibly mean to you. Moreover, as strange as it sounds after all this time I still do not know what I mean to you. I know that on some level you are care about me but how deep does it actually run? Is it more as a friend than anything else or can it possibly be more? The idea that I did not mean anything close to what you mean to me is the most painful feeling, second to the separation.

So once again I do what I have always done. Hide the worst of it from friends and family. To only let worst out when I am alone away from prying eyes and wait for the day when I mean something. I hope that with everything that I am, that it is to you but I know that it is a tall favour to ask. I hope that one day you can love me a fraction of what I love you.