The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

24 | Perfect Places

"Hey Adri, I'm sorry for asking. Please don't be upset."

Kris had stopped us in the hallway and pulled us off to the side. She crouched down slightly to be eye level with me and I noticed the guilty expression on her face. That's all it took for me to bring myself back to reality, internally groaning. I think that guilty is my least favorite expression on Kris.

Probably because I think that she is perfect.

I pressed a small kiss to her lips to ease her worry, before stepping away from her and continuing to walk down the hallway.

Eventually, she caught up to me, but her worried expression stayed put.

"You know that's not going to keep working right?" Kris asked and I shot her a confused glance, weaving through the hallways. Everyone knows that the hallways are anti-conversation locations; you're only supposed to be focusing on moving from point A to B. But of course, Kris defies all logic and rules, and can do both at the same time.

"As much as I love kissing you, you can't keep using it as a tactic to distract me when something is wrong. I'm not just going to forget about it Adri. You're going to have to actually talk to me." Said who? Talking was not in the terms and agreements of this trial.

"I'd rather not," I curtly replied, keeping my eyes straight ahead so I wouldn't risk a glance at her. She would either look irritated or sad, neither of which I want to see right now.

If Kris had anything to say back she didn't, which was smart on her part. She could probably sense that temper tantrum just waiting to boil over and make a scene.

When we got to our first period, she glared at Claire per usual and led us to the pair of seats furthest away from her. Another pro about this trial Kris: she scares all of the crazies away. The only downside is it's because she's on a completely different, terrifying level of crazy than everyone else.

Good thing I find this type of crazy kind of attractive.

I'm so glad that we aren't pretending that we don't like her anymore. I actually think that we'll still have to do it every now and then just to keep her humble; she has too big of an ego. You have too little ego and you don't see me complaining. You actually do a lot of screaming at a very high volume for long amounts of time. That's just how I show my love. Well, your love hurts.

A hand enclosed over mine and I glanced over at Kris.

"I'm okay." I lied in a quiet voice, flipping my hand over so that I could intertwine our fingers together. Staring at our hands now, I could see the nervous shake that is most likely traveling through the rest of my body. Lying is extremely hard to do if your body doesn't catch on to the idea that you're trying to pull off a lie.

"This isn't going to work if you keep lying to me Adri," Kris whispered, and I gazed up at her to see the serious tone in her voice match the expression on her face. "Tell me or don't tell me. But don't lie to me."

Every fiber and bone in my body believed that there was no bluffing in what Kris had said. She could so easily walk away from all of this and find another girl who she really likes making out with. I'm fairly certain that if she didn't feel like she had some sort of obligation to watch over me, then she would've already left by now.

For the first time, I am happy to be on suicide watch.

I gulped quietly and looked down. "It's very loud up there," I spoke simply, deciding that even that was too much to say.

Kris's eyes burned into my body for a few moments, before I felt her body shift closer to mine. Gentle breaths fanned against my ear, and I waited nervously for what she had to say.

"Leave her alone," Kris whispered into the shell of my ear, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear before sitting back in my chair.

It's never been so quiet.

Δ

"Adrianna can I come in?" Cole called out from the other side of my bedroom door and I shrugged even though he couldn't see me. It's not like I have locks on my door or anything. Crazy people aren't allowed that luxury.

"Sure." I called back, laying back on my bed.

Cole walked in, shooting me a small smile before closing my door behind him.

This is not going to be a good conversation.

No one else is home. Our parents never are because that would require them to be responsible human beings, and Ellie is at a slumber party because that's what normal six year-olds do. There is no reason for him to close my door unless he thinks that I am going to try and run out of it.

"How was school?" He asked, walking over to sit on the edge of my dead. Small talk. Another sure sign that this conversation is going straight to hell.

I instinctively moved back, watching him with a careful look.

"It was okay. I didn't stab anyone. What do you want Cole?" There's no reason to beat around the bush. If I'm going to have a panic attack, then I might as well have it as soon as possible. That way when I pass out, I'll be getting more sleep.

Panic smarter, not harder.

This time it was his turn to shift uncomfortably. "It's Kris. I know I said-"

"Don't you dare ruin this for me." I immediately interrupted, glaring at him.

Why does everyone have to assume that Kris is synonymous with bad? She isn't. She is good. She is so good for me.

"Adrianna what if she turns out being like Dani-"

"Cole if you finish saying her name, I will slit your throat." I threatened, tears threatening to spill over.

She is bad and I am better. I am better than her. I don't need her.

I don't need her.

"Adrianna..." Cole whispered, but I just shook my head, clenching my hands against my ears.

"Get out." I whispered, rocking myself back and forth gently. No one could hurt me in this little cocoon. She can't come back and stab me again if I am here in my room and safe. She isn't here.

She's not real.

I felt a body try and move closer to mine, but my foot shot out and connected with them. The body left my bed, and I threw myself under my covers. My fists are clenching the covers so tightly, I don't even realize that I'm tearing into them. The same way that Cole doesn't realize how he tears into me when he does this.

The body came back towards me and I screamed out in frustration.

Why won't everyone just go away? Why can't I just go away? I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere.

I don't want to be alive.

"Get out!" I screamed when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Maybe if this was Kristina I wouldn't be screaming or kicking right now. I would probably be even more of a sobbing mess then I am now, but I wouldn't be trying to push her away.

She makes the voices go away like no one else can.

Even though this time the body listened and left me in my room alone, it was still so loud in here. There are heartbeats and heavy breaths that are mixing together in an ugly tune. The kind of song that Medusa listens to on repeat to make herself feel pretty again.

There are screams that don't quite match the beat of the blood rushing through my veins. The tears streaming down my face aren't on time with the quakes that are running throughout my body. The only good thing about the song is the part where my brain is screaming at Kristina for help.

Because even her name is so fucking beautiful.

And I am such a fucking wreck.