masked

#23

I didn't have my house keys so I had to ring the doorbell of my house. I heard some scuffling and then my mother flung open the door.

Instead of being angry, she grabbed me in a hug and held me so tightly, like I could slip away from her at any moment.

"I'm sorry, mum." I whispered, falling into her embrace. Only mums could give that sense of comfort and love in a simple gesture like a hug.

I broke away from the hug to enter the house. Then I collapsed upstairs, in my own bed. My mum came up with some water and a plate of toast. I refused to eat but I gulped up the water in one go.

"I know how you feel, baby." My mum said, smoothing out my hair and tucking it behind my ears. "Give it time okay, I know it hurts and it feels like the end of the world right now but just hold on."

"Mum, I don't understand why he left me. It felt so real." I sobbed.

"I know, honey." She brushed away the tears falling down my cheeks.

A pause. "Does it ever stop hurting, mum?"

"I'll tell you when that day comes, sweetie. Now rest." I saw the pain in her eyes that had never quite faded since dad had left. Before she left the room, I grabbed her arm and pulled her into one last hug.

*time skip; first day back*

I'm not sure how I dragged myself out of bed and dressed but it happened. My outfit consisted of pastel colours, they used to represent my mood but I was at a point where I couldn't care less.

My hair was slightly damp and fell carelessly around my face in it's usual erratic curls. I had my bags all packed up and there was breakfast waiting for me downstairs.

I trudged down the soft carpet of my stairs, a heaviness in my heart. Why was I so exhausted all the time?

Hannah came running towards me to hug into my knees. "I'll miss you." She smiled sweetly. I ruffled her hair and attempted a smile, it felt alien to me.

My mum slid a plate of pancakes towards me, my favourite. I ate for her, for every anxious look she gave me when she thought I wasn't looking. Even though the food tasted like cardboard and the honey was a bit too sweet, I cleaned my plate. And my mother's beaming smile at the end was worth it.

The car ride was mostly silence, I plugged my earphones in and gazed out of the window.

this is gospel for the fallen ones,
locked away in permanent slumber.

How would I face seeing him again? Maybe he would talk to me, maybe there's still hope that this is all just a big misunderstanding.

assembling their philosophies,
from pieces of broken memories.

I pushed away the idea that Simon would let me suffer if he knew how bad I was hurting. My mind drifted to the possibility that what he said in the letter was true. I had read it so many times I'd memorised it. Now it was just a mess of ink and smudge of letters from how many tears that had fallen over his spiky handwriting.

their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues,
conspire against the odds.

People had warned me about this but I'm sure there was a spark between us. He must have felt it too. How could he be such a good actor? The longer I thought about it, the more my heart ached.

but they haven't seen the best of us yet,

How would school life even be without Simon? I swallowed, there was an unwanted lump forming in my throat. I had held it together so far and I needed to make it through this first day.

if you love me let me-

I yanked the earphone out of ears as the car pulled up outside the seemingly vast building that was my school. So much had happened in those walls, I wondered how the school could bear keeping all this secrets.

"Goodbye, honey and I love you so much." My mum said, kissing me on the forehead and wrapping her arms around me briefly. She was smiling but I could see the apprehensive crease in her forehead. I returned the smile, hoping I'd done a better acting job than she had.

I checked in at the reception and they handed over my keys. Stairs, endless stairs. I used to admire the stained glass windows along the winding staircase. However, the cyan blue light filtering onto the marble floor made me cringe.

Everything reminded me of him.

I pushed open the door and before I could even see what was inside, I was suddenly engulfed in a bear hug.

"Willow! How dare you not call me the whole holiday?" Kayleigh demanded, her arms wrapped around me like a vice.

I laughed a little. "Sorry, I had some stuff going on." I said vaguely. From my tone of voice she immediately drew back and held me at arms width, searching my face.

"No offence but you look like crap, that's highly unusual for you." She said sceptically.

I laughed a little. "First day back, just tired I guess."

She didn't lock convinced. "Did you have time to hang out with Simon?"

I froze. His name brought with it hurt and memories all at once.

"Babe, what happened?" Kayleigh asked carefully.

"I-I guess it just didn't work out."

Those words made me feel numb even though they shouldn't. It's how I know the love has ended and now it's my heart ache story beginning. I think it will be the love that never really goes away. It just didn't work out, but in another lifetime I know it could have.

Kayleigh let me rest my head on her shoulder, she was stroking my arm gently. Not saying anything, she knew she didn't have to. I just needed someone there for me.

"I take it you still love him?" She asked.

I sighed. "I do and I think I always will in a way."

"Why's that?"

"I mean, think about it." I reply, "We never quite made it to be lovers, we got close but never got there, and because we never lit a flame, there was nothing to blow out. Like two perfect matches that never got the chance to turn into a fire."

Kayleigh looked at me for a really long time, pondering over my words.

"So that's what they mean when they said heartbreak has its own language."