Mom I'm Sorry... I Joined The Mafia [ON HOLD]

1. The Wierd-Ass Hobby

And just to let you know, it's one of the many reasons why most people happen to be on first name basis with the law enforcement officers around here. Me being one of the smart many, who treasure their lives and understand that having friends in the police force only works well for you.

You know - if you're ever kidnapped, attacked... raped.......... murdered........... yeahhhh then you know who got your back (apart from your crazy mother).

What can I say?

You gotta make the right types of friends if you wanna live a relatively safe life, since our high crime rate is indisputable.

I can tell you're probably thinking I'm some manipulative, opportunistic troublemaker - and you may be justified to think so - but you've got no right to judge me. You'd probably do the same if you were forced into my size 3 shoes.

And no I am NOT a child, nor a dwarf... I just happen to have inherited my mom's tiny feet, but - hey! At least it works out.

The juniors section at Target tends to have the best footwear anyways - and they are always stocked - so I'm not complaining.

In fact, I love my mom for the feet she gave me. May The Almighty One above eternally bless her little piggies for being as small as they are.

(•• Amen to that 🙏••)

And moving on from that totally unrelated but weirdly fascinating topic of feet.

*cough*ahem*

•

In this dark, dark town there is a dimly lit street. And on this dimly lit street there is a brightly lit house. And in that brightly lit, semi-detached house live me, my mother and I.
(A/N: yes I love Funnybones, sue me...)

Trust me when I say, when you have two hot-blooded Italian women living under the same roof - with a group of loud, party-loving male neighbours living a wall away from you - shit goes down almost every night. And unsurprisingly, it's always my mother the police have to deal with.

Just last week, I had to go bail my mother out from the local prison after a run-in with the eldest neighbour (23 year old, Vince Dodd) because she had attempted to - and I use the officers exact words when I say this - "slap him silly".

Apparently she caught him piss drunk and butt-naked, "sprinkling" her beloved carnations during the middle of the afternoon.

As soon as she caught sight of his bare ass, she ran straight out of the kitchen door - which, unlucky for him, led to the garden - and pushed him face first into the bushes.

Straddling him from behind, she had slapped every inch of him that she could possibly make contact with (I tell you no lie 🙌). By the time she was done, the poor guy was screaming bloody murder - his skin so red it looked as if he'd gone through a bad tan.

His housemates, witnesses from the start let me just add, had thought it a better idea to take a video - to later upload on YouTube - than to help their friend escape from the evil clutches of my heavy-handed mother.

Although it was amusing to watch - as I had been doing from the kitchen table overlooking the garden, whilst casually munching on some Fruit Loops 👌🏼 - it didn't help my mothers case when she was threatened to be put through court.