Ever since Caspar was put into hospital Joe has been left alone with his thoughts...
Joe loves Caspar but does Caspar love Joe?
triggers from chapter 7 onwards (please stay safe)
If I lose myself tonight it will be you and I if I lose myself tonight - OneRepublic vs Alesso...
Joe's POV
I stood there as the doctor called me out I looked behind me at Zoe, Alfie, Dan and Phil. "Mr Sugg come this way please," the doctor said and I nodded following behind him. Something in my mind kept playing repeatedly... This is going to be bad news! "Mr Sugg we took Caspar for a scan yesterday and found internal bleeding on his brain and lungs. We are going to take him to theatre to operate on him. He's got about a 90% chance he can pull through..." I felt a single hot tear fall down my cheek it stung on the way down. I'm sick of crying...
I went back through the corridor to my friends. However as I was walking the whole room spun around me and darkness set in. I collapsed to the floor feeling myself losing it. I need him. I can't live without him. Zoe came running to me and I just felt my self shaking. "He's going to be fine Joe," that word fine stuck out most to me because I knew for a fact that he wouldn't pull through this I was pretty sure of it... And that just made me cry even more I'm sick of crying and being weak. I care about Caspar to much to lose him, he means the world to me.
And the truth is... I love him I flipping love him. Not just in the friend way anymore... Everything that has happened has made me realise this now. I'm gay and no one will change that... Or Bi I'm still confused.
But there's only one boy I'll ever want... And his name is Caspar Lee. I look down the corridor as Zoe was still holding me Dan and Phil still behind us. Dan turned around to Zoe "I'm go to get us some water do you want anything?" She shook her head. "Thank you Dan," she said shaking. She whispered in my ear "Joe?" "Yeah Zoe," I answered. "Promise me something?" "Like what?" "Don't do anything stupid!" I stood up as soon as she said the word stupid. I looked at her confused (I secretly knew what she was talking about) "I don't know Zoe what do you mean?" She looked me up and down. "You know exactly what!" She said with a bit of anger in voice. I knew exactly what I was about to do and that's to be strong for Zoe. But I can't! I just felt so helpless in the hospital... Caspar lying there in a bed but I can't speak to him make a fool out of him and give him a hug tell him I love him. I should be the one lying there he doesn't deserve this. Dan and Phil came back and we left. All Zoe could speak about was the internal bleeding and Caspar I just put my EarPods in my ears and turned on my Spotify playlist. We stopped off at Burger King and Zoe went and bought burgers for everyone but I refused. "C'mon Joe! You need to eat." Zoe looked at me... "No thanks," and I put the burger by my side vowing I'd eat it later.
*20 minutes later* I got home and ran down the stairs crying. I've ate nothing my stomach aching for food but I just don't feel like eating. I just want to go to my bedroom and lock all the doors I just want to be alone. There's only one person I want with me...
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Caspar Lee I scrolled through my phone and found a picture (A/N SHOWN ABOVE) of Caspar in LA I looked at it and sighed. "You were so happy there Caspar and such a poser," I looked at the picture and decided to make it my lock screen like I usually do when Caspar's not with me. I chucked my phone on bed and slid down the wall and sat on the floor. I heard little voices in me head: Your weak Joe No I'm not I'm trying to stay strong... Really? Cause you look like a failure to me! I'm not a failure! You even sure? ITS YOUR FAULT CASPAR'S IN THAT HOSPITAL BED! That's a lie I've done nothing wrong... So many lies Joseph you know your lying to yourself... How am I supposed to escape then. You know exactly what to... No I'm not standing for this I promised Zoe I'll stay strong! This is for her.
I got up out of the corner of my room and went upstairs, with my stomach aching with hunger... I can't eat, I don't want to eat! My mind still roaring at my "EAT YOU BLOODY IDIOT" I looked in the fridge and took out some Fuji water removed the cap and replaced it with one of the original straw caps Oli got me. Then I put a song on off my Spotify playlist the song was LOST BOY by mine and Caspar's good friend Troye Sivan.
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A few lyrics of the song stood out to me... I say I wanna settle down build your hopes up like a tower I'm giving you the run around I'm just a lost boy Not ready to be found...
Hope your enjoying it so far... I'm thinking of doing Caspar's thoughts in the next chapter. Sorry it's so short. Also wattpads finally added a way to post pictures into the story which I've tested in this chapter and I like it so I might keep doing that. Don't forget to vote and comment I love you all! -Jenna
