The Letter

    I can't tell you how many times I've written this letter time and time again. And to be honest with myself, I doubt I'll ever send this. So I guess that just makes my letter pointless. Everytime I write this I get lost in every other thing I've never spoke of. I'm trying not to do that in this letter. But surely I'll fail some where. Do you remember telling me, that if I didn't see the point in me moving forward then I just shouldn't waste my time on it? You didn't say it in those words. No. You would have never said it so brutally. Especially to me. But I knew what you meant. Back then I was young, and stupid. I would say in love, but if I am going to continue being true, then. I can honestly say that I always knew I was never in love. Not with her, not even something close to it. My relationship was nothing but lies. I knew that then and I know it now. The more I try to make sense of why I stayed for so long, the more I don't understand it. So why did I stay.
    I should have listened to you. You always did give me the best advice. I'm sorry we ended the way we did. But in a way I don't regret it, Because I don't regret the time you were in my life. You were my bestfriend. I'm also sorry for all the times I lied. Im sorry for all the times I never told you what was going on in my life. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to keep our friendship. Some part of me felt like you just didn't care anymore. And I'm sorry you never gave us a chance.
    I told myself that I would never admit it, because admitting it meant that I would never know. I never did like not knowing, or wondering what if. But I'll admit it now, I loved you. And I wanted to give us a chance, but I guess for you, I was to late. Life will always have those what ifs, won't they. It's just another thing I will never know. That's the reason I stopped trying. And you just walked away. I thought you would always be there. But I guess I should have known better. How could you have been there, when I never gave you a chance to be. I've never trusted anyone. There was no one to know my secrets. No one to know that I was depressed. No one to know I almost killed myself. To know about all the medications. All the hospitals. Or the goodbye letter.
    I'm in a much darker place now. Trying to keep myself grounded. Less likely to react, but more likely to do nothing at all. Barely leaving, barely being awake long enough to leave. The only thing keeping me up, is her. She will drag me outside if she has to. She'll do anything to just get a smile, maybe even a laugh. To keep me talking. Trying to keep my head clear and forget, even if it's just for a moment. She keeps me breathing. Keeps me living a life that is worth living, while making me think that I'm the one worth living it. And I don't know how she does it. But I'm glad she does.
    I guess I'm just trying to tell you everything I should have told you back then, before it's to late. Even if I think it already is. Maybe for you it isn't.

    Forever,
A life worth living.