First Love, First War, First Step |√|

A Kiss

Our days fell into a routine.  I would head to the Archives, eat lunch with Luther, and wait anxiously for the rest of the afternoon to see if Luke would show up wherever we happened to be.

He never failed to, and we began to drift places on our way to my house.  Most afternoons it was the green, where we sat on the grass in the shade of a tree and talked about everything that came to our minds.

"What was your mother like?" He asked one day as he leaned back against the trunk of the tree we were currently lounging under.

I watched the clouds above us while I rested on my back with my arms beneath my head, glimpses of the sky filtering through the leaves.  "She was...kind, never had a bad word for anyone.  Even when my father would irritate her to no end, or he would be yelling at her for something, she would sit there with a smile on her face before telling him something that would calm him.

"She loved me, I know that.  I remember her coming in to say goodnight to me, no matter how late at night it was when she got home.  On the nights she was home, we would lay in my bed with her reading me whatever story I chose.  Once we finished, she would get up, tuck the sheets around me, and kiss my forehead.

"Everyone told me that it was perfectly normal for me to hate her for dying, that it was okay to feel that.  I never hated her though.  I hated my father more for not caring about anything except work after Mother died.  Nights when I was especially lonely, I would close my eyes, and I could almost feel her next to me, telling me that everything was all right."

Luke sighed after I fell silent.  "I lost my cousin.  We were all so excited about the new baby, and then something went wrong with the vaccine.  They never saw the sun, never grew up."

I rolled onto my side, watching him.  "I never met my brother.  I lost two people that day, and sometimes I feel guilty because I wonder about all the ways I could have contributed to her death.

"If only she hadn't dropped me off at school, would she have made it in time?  If only she had decided that it wasn't worth the risk and vaccinated herself, would my brother be running around my house now?"

He patted the patch of grass next to him in silent offering, and I slid myself until my back rested against the wood.

"There's nothing you could have done, Ilania," Luke whispered.  "You were only a child, a child who was so deeply loved by your mother that she wanted to be involved in every aspect of your life.  She made the choice to be there for you even though it could mean risking her other child."

I stared into his cyan eyes, feeling the impact of what he was saying deep inside my bones.  I had longed to hear someone say those words, understand that it wasn't hatred I was feeling but guilt.

That wasn't the only thing I noticed though.  Within those orbs was a swirling mess of emotions, all seeming to be directed towards me.

"Luke, what are we exactly in your mind?" I asked carefully.  "Are we just friends, or are we more than that?"

Gently, I felt his hands cup my face, tilting it slightly.  The tips of his fingers traced my cheekbones almost in a hypnotizing way.

Before I realized what he was doing, his lips had melded to mine.  I forgot about the people who were sure to be watching us right now and shaking their heads at our stupidity.  I forgot about my mother dying and the fact that she wouldn't be at home to hear about my first kiss.  I forgot about my workaholic father, who had failed to erase every memory of my deceased mother.

All I could think of was Luke and the taste of him like cherries and chocolate.  All I could feel was the way his hands had migrated from my face to my waist and how I had clasped my hands about his neck to pull myself almost into his lap.  All I could remember was the movement of our lips as we sought to recreate one another, to make us forget everything that caused us pain.

"Lane," he whispered after we had both pulled away, gasping for breath, "we shouldn't have done that.  Luther tried to warn me, and I was a fool to think that..."

"Shh," I said, pressing my finger against his swollen lips as I felt an ache to kiss him again.  "We both chose this.  We both knew this was going to happen eventually."

We seemed to remember that we were not alone, that there were curious eyes watching us as they wondered what was with the two young people.

Luke stood up, offering his hand to me to pull me to my feet.  "I best get you home before someone starts to wonder."

"Luke," I said when we reached my door, "do you think there's any hope for us?  For what we could be?"

He sighed, contemplating something as he stared at me.  "Could you sneak away tonight?"

"Most likely.  Father doesn't tend to come home until late, and even then he rarely checks to make sure I'm in bed."

"I'll meet you outside your house then, underneath your window.  There's something that you need to see in order to understand if your question is realistic in any way."

Watching him leave, I bit my lips, still tasting him on them and wondering what his vague hinting meant.

"It sounds like the Brotherhood," I whispered to myself, referring back to the Orwell book.  "I only hope that he's not taking me to someone like O'Brien, who's going to betray us both."

Still, it would be worth it if I died tonight.  After all, I had gotten confirmation that Luke had strong feelings for me as well, even though we both knew it wasn't legal.