Lists | Phan

Six: New Tricks

Phil had left Zoe's party with a bunch more connections, friends who were 'glad they went after all, thanks Phil' and his mask and persona still intact. Of course, beneath his demeanour he was frothing with hate.

He got home that night and wrote paragraph upon paragraph on the pages dedicated to Dan in his notebook.

'Dan is a fucking twat' had been instantly written out of rage, but then scribbled out again once he'd calmed down. But no matter how many deep breaths he took, Phil's heart-rate just refused to go back to normal. He could feel it beating in his ears. This is fucking ridiculous.

Dan was the only person Phil couldn't control – the only person he couldn't control himself in front of. In fact, Dan seemed to get really pissed off when Phil presented him with his outside persona. He only started showing a- (Phil's hand stilled on the paper, fingers momentarily clenching around the pen gripped between them) personal interest in him once he'd let the real Phil out.

But Dan wasn't a threat, per se. He didn't seem to care that much about Phil's life in general, and he didn't appear to be the type of person to try to out him- (though who would even believe Dan over Phil, seriously?)

Phil sighed and put his pen down. As long as Dan wasn't directly threatening him, he was safe. It was just ridiculously worrying to have someone completely out of Phil's control roaming freely around the campus. And not just that, what if Phil couldn't keep up his façade if he was confronted by Dan at college? What if he ended up letting his real self out around other people? Phil rubbed his forehead. A headache was definitely building up – he opened his desk drawer and started rummaging for aspirin.

But it felt so good, submitting to Dan like that. Being that out of control of a situation would normally send Phil into a violent panic attack. Not being able to predict the moves of the people surrounding him, people acting differently to how he'd intended – barely being in control of his own body. Usually just imagining these kinds of situations would shoot cold stabs of fear into Phil's stomach but...then...what if?

Phil's fingers located a packet of extra strength headache pills and popped the last two tablets out – discarding the empty carton in the rubbish bin by his desk. He got up, rolled his shoulders and began to make his way to the kitchen in search of a glass of water to take the pills with. (Dry-swallowing was a super-power that Phil didn't yet possess, sadly.)

What if, he thought, trudging down the hall to the kitchen area, when I lose control of a situation, the way the scene pans out is left down to chance – and that's the terrifying part of it. If I'm not personally manipulating the conditions, I'd have to rely on fate for the outcome. And fate is a fucking bitch.

But maybe if instead of depending on luck or chance, I were to entrust the situation to someone just as skilled and calculating as I am...I would find it calming? I relax. That's why I felt so...free, being controlled by Dan.

Phil filled up an only-slightly-dirty glass with water and chugged the tablets.

Even if that was the reason, he was still so shaken that Dan could control him so well – that he could bring all this out in him. When Phil controlled people, he did it in his best interests. He did it to satisfy his own needs. If he let Dan control him for Dan's selfish reasons, who know what could end up happening? Phil's head gave a vicious throb of pain. He sighed.

As he placed the glass near the kitchen sink (someone'll have to wash it up at some point, right?) he couldn't help but think that it'd be much better if he could just control Dan himself.

Perhaps he was going about it the wrong way?

Dan wasn't nice to people, so why would he be won over with Phil's bullshit kindness act?