Brick by Brick

Part Thirty Eight

He shrugged, "I guess I feel the guilt you described. I need to get past that."

"You think you can?"

Again he shrugged, "I know that life is going on without him, and without me. And that I want to fight for you and not lose you."

"As a friend?"

He nodded, "Of course friend, but hopefully more than that. I have been filled with guilt over what happened, and again, like you said, I felt guilt that it was me kissing you, not him."

"You said you always liked me."

Joel paled, his jaw slack for a moment, "I forgot I said that."

She speared the remaining piece of her scallop with her fork and popped it in her mouth, watching him, waiting.

He ran a hand through his hair, "really? You're going to make me say this now?"

Trying to hide a smirk she nodded and he groaned.

"The first time I saw you, your hair caught my eye, the sun glinting on it making it look like it was on fire. I think I was smitten at that moment."

Sun? She shook her head, "we were inside, it was shaded on the ferry." He was playing her, telling her what he thought she wanted to hear.

That made him laugh, "the irony." He sipped at his wine before he spoke again. "The day before, or maybe two, I was on the beach. Marcus was lining up some beach party. He wanted an invite to this festival on a private beach. I was at the bar, on the sand, when I saw you, on the harbour. I can see it like it was yesterday."

As he went on to describe everything she wore, detailed as though it was yesterday she felt her heart twist with pain, with indescribable sensations. All this time? She wasn't sure whether she was angry, upset or regretful. Or a combination of all three.

Joel was watching her and she realised she'd switched off for a moment.

"Sorry, I never intended to ever tell you that."

She scrubbed at her eyes, "you never said anything?"

Sitting back in his seat he looked at her for a moment, "say anything? To Marcus?"

A waitress came to clear their plates, and the silence that stretched between them was almost painful.

"I couldn't tell Marcus anything. You disappeared that day; I never thought I'd see you again. But then on the ferry...HE saw you first."

He looked genuinely in pain, "that was hardly legally binding."

He shrugged, "you liked him anyway. You sat with him, flirted with HIM. Not me. I just got over it."

"I flirted with you both. He was the one who seemed interested; I liked you both back then." She shook her head, "Marcus and me, we were chalk and cheese. We wanted different things, different lives, and hugely different ambitions."

Joel threw her head back and laughed sarcastically, "you're saying that you and I would have been a better match?"

Sammy leaned forward and hissed, "I'm NOT saying that, I loved Marcus with all my heart, but we weren't an instant match. It wasn't an obvious partnership. I wouldn't change it, but I'm not the one filled with regret that he didn't speak five years ago. Is that why this is so hard?"

"EVERYTHING I did I owed to him. I keep telling you he was my family, my friend, my colleague. Without him I am nothing."

She shook her head, "bullshit. You are strong, you are intelligent...you created a successful business, YOU made that, and you made him what he was equally. There's no room in life for hiding behind someone else. Unless you're scared."