Fading.HS.

1.

I stepped into the outside world, a place i was no longer familiar with since the accident. Not much had changed,the business men still strolled with the  utmost authority and the children still cried to their mothers to buy them things they couldn't afford, but somehow they were different, or I was different; somehow in the space of time I was gone everything had changed in my life and not just my hair or my weight, it was my insides, the sheer thing that made me me was gone. It felt like the girl that once walked the streets with confidence and beauty was dead and all that remained of her was a sad excuse for a person, who not even i myself recognised.

This feeling isn't something you can just turn off. It lingers with you like the smell of a cigarette without the calming sensation. My thought of self loathing were brought to an absolute halt as an arm grabbed me, practically awakening me,

"Annora, Annora, please just talk to me, I know it's hard but I can help, I want to help" I stared, practically not even knowing who this dull figure in front of me was, I used to dream of those eyes but instead I don't even think of them, or acknowledge the existence of him, I took a seemingly short breath and began to speak not daring to look into his eyes.

"Josh it's fine, you don't have to feel sorry for me, I'm alright, really" i spoke shakily not meaning a word of what i was saying. To my disappointment he lifted my chin and planted a short kiss on my head, this would have given me butterflies six months ago but now it meant nothing, he meant nothing. Without saying a world I walked away, hoping or even praying he wouldn't come after me, my wish was granted, in the distance all I could hear was him particularly scream my name with evert ounce of pain in his voice but I continued to stray away from him both mentally and physically; I didn't care about Josh's feelings like he hadn't cared for mine.

...

Going for a walk was a terrible idea, they said I needed air, but they were wrong, they didn't know what I needed, they only just knew my name and had absolutely no idea how to make me happy, they couldn't make me happy, only my parents would make me happy, being happy was a fond memory for me, because I always was so, so meaning happy, always. I'd never had anything to be sad about before, I  had good grades, a nice boyfriend, a great family and was on the verge of having my dreams come true, but my dreams didn't matter anymore, my dreams had turned to nightmares that haunted me every time I shut my eyes and deprived me of sleep for days on end. To be truly honest my life was hell, but what could i do? Everybody said to me "you're in control, only you can make everything better" but that wasn't true I couldn't. I hated everything, but I wasn't like others I couldn't just kill myself and have it all end and not because i was too strong or anything, its because somehow after everything that had happened I believed they were still here, not alive obviously, but watching me and I couldn't disappoint them anymore I had to make them proud, but it's hard to seek someones approval who's dead, and can't respond.

I was back, to the place I was made to call 'home'. As I opened the heavy door, i entered a room that looked more like a waiting room than a living room, it was modern and un homely, there was no tartan blankets or photos hanging on the walls like my old home, there was art work that lacked any sort of skill to them but gave off the ora of money and they were expensive to say the least, i began walking to my overly large and under decorated room, when Jenny my Godmother greeted me,

"so how was it?" she asked referring to the walk, she said these words with no trace of emotion whatsoever, i knew she just wanted to get me out the house for a while,

"it was fine" i spoke trying to sound as happy as possible but failing miserably. And that was the end of that conversation, as it ended i walked into my bedroom.

The walls were empty and white, and the room was large but had nothing really in it other than a basic white bed, with black and white striped bedsheets of which i hated; the room came equipped with a walk in wardrobe that wasn't even half full and an en-suite bathroom which was marble and untasteful.

I took off my clothing and lay in my overly large bed ready to sleep even though it had just turned seven pm, my dreams were filled with broken families and the roaring sea.