I let go of his fingers and I heard him clear his throat while tossing aside a glare towards me. I used my finger this time to trace the inside of his palm, feeling the rough skin as well as the callouses he had from playing guitar. I looked up at him this time with a playful smile on my face and I noticed his eyes had grown a little darker somehow. He moved his palm away when he realized that I had kind of won this round - whatever game we had been playing.
"So why didn't you go out to eat with your team, Shawn?" His mom asked him, her eyes full of concern. I guess that's what he usually did after a game or a victory.
"Long story mum." He muttered and I glanced up to him to see him roll his eyes, his lips in a tight line. I felt him search for my hand, as if he needed it for reassurance and he connected our fingers and sighed, as if something had been lifted off of his shoulders. The contact we shared, was almost like coming home. It just felt like a sense of relief when I saw his smile or when I felt his hand on top of mine, as if I had been weary and dilapidated before and not really at rest or in peace with myself. It just felt natural, like we had been friends for the longest time.
"Is it because of Nash?" Shawn's dad asked with seriousness in his voice. I froze at his name and my thoughts went back to the locker room. In the moment, it had felt so right, but now as I looked back on it, it wasn't right at all. I felt a strange sort of guilt, as if my first kiss shouldn't have been with him. The kiss itself was lacking; it didn't gave the spark that everyone so carefully described nor the reciprocated feelings. Sure, I cared for him, I had a crush on him for years. But all that time, the way I imagined this moment to be, it didn't happen like that. It was like the way I had imagined those precious moments to be, the way I had imagined the kiss, hadn't lived up to my expectations.
Furthermore, Nash hadn't shown any emotions during the kiss and it wasn't like he had any feelings for me. It had all felt like force and lust and I wasn't sure if I necessarily appreciated that.
"Mostly, yes." Shawn answered with contempt in his voice towards Nash. I didn't blame him, Nash had pushed Shawn down when he was on the same team as him. And it wasn't like it was an accident, so I don't know why the coach didn't take him off the ice for the rest of the night.
Aaliyah quickly came to the rescue and changed the subject, the awkward tension disappearing between all of us. I silently thanked her because Shawn probably still wanted me to explain myself over what happened and I knew that would be tough.
"Um can me and Ava walk outside for a little bit?" Shawn spoke up after the conversation had died down. I felt my hands growing clammy at what he would expect me to say about Nash. I slowly untangled my fingers from his and let go of his hand. I looked up at his parents who just smiled and nodded. I said my goodbyes to everyone and thanked them for the dinner as well as saying it was nice to meet them.
I heard Aaliyah whispering excitedly behind us as we walked away and I shook my head at her. Shawn and I walked in silence until we got to the door of the restaurant. He held the door out to me like a proper gentleman and I thanked him while being greeted with the bitter cold air.
We both agreed that it was too cold outside so we sat in Shawn's car and he turned the heating on while rubbing his hands furiously trying to gain some heat.
"I swear my face is like frozen right now." He mumbled and I chuckled at his silliness.
"So," I started while clearing my throat. I felt a little nervous to what he wanted to hear from me right now. Did he want me to tell him everything that happened with Nash? I didn't know if I was comfortable with that.
"Look," he started while sighing. He ran a hand through his hair but it fell back to its normal position. "You don't have to tell me what happened.. But just tell me if you're okay. That's all that matters honestly." He finished.
I felt my heart leap at his words. It was like he knew that I feared to tell him the reality because I was scared of what he would think of me. It also just kind of surprised me that he cared for me so much. Nobody really was there for me as much as him and it made me feel really special.
"Yeah I'm fine, thank you for asking." I answered skeptically, wondering what else he had in his mind. His eyebrows were scrunched together and he was staring at his steering wheel as it thinking of something very important.
"What are best friends for." He whispered, his voice quiet. I nodded, agreeing with his statement but he didn't see me because of his intent stare ahead of him.
"I have to go," I muttered and I saw him nod briefly. "Thanks for everything. Honestly."
He turned to look at me with shining eyes and said you welcome. I leaned in involuntarily and quickly kissed him on the cheek before turning around and proceeding to get out of his car. He called out and said bye to me and I returned the words before walking over to my car. I didn't really know why I showed my affections towards him like that, but it just happened.
And when it came to Shawn, I could never explain myself or my reasons for loving him.
Author's Note: idk about that ending bUT GUYS THE NEXT CHAPTER IS GONNA BE SIZZLING R U READY
hey are you a parking ticket? Bc you have fine written all over you😏
thanks for reading lovelies :)
Chapter 14
Start from the beginning
