A Court of Tears and Starlight

Home sweet home, no more.

It was the most I'd ever heard him say. A rush of his over flowing thoughts that had been damned up for an entire week, finally bursting out of him. I let the words wash over me, and with them I felt the emotions he did not intend for me to receive. He had been worried. He had felt guilty about not fighting for me or coming to rescue me. He felt angry at me for kissing Rhysand and confused about what this meant for Tamlin, for all of us.

I waited for him to finish and then smiled at him. "I missed you too" I said sarcastically. He laughed and with his laughter all of the tension between us was swept away. With that we turned and walked back to the Manor in our usual comfortable silence.

Once alone in my bedroom I took out the letter I had concealed in my pocket. My heart tightened as I looked down over the perfect, neat scrawl that lined the parchment. I flushed as I remembered Rhysand's warning. I wondered what scandalous things he had written and scowled at the thought of him enjoying my embarrassment if I dared to ask Lucien or Tamlin to tell me what it said. I wanted to scrunch it up and tear it into a thousand little pieces out of spite, but instead I hugged it to my chest, the last little piece of Rhysand that I had left. I sighed. Somehow I was going to have to learn how to read.

Later that afternoon Tamlin still had not returned. I decided that I should go out and take a walk down to the woods near the Manor. I found myself smiling as I looked on Spring with new eyes. When I had left here I could not bare the vibrant life blooming all around me. Now as I passed by the neat wooden fences I smiled in wonder at the baby lambs stumbling around on their fresh legs, the clear piercing sound of the blue birds in the trees above and the clear blue water of the stream I was approaching. I cut through a break in the tree line to reach the embankment of the stream. As I neared the water I saw Tamlin's hulking figure sitting on a rock by the edge of the stream. I paused, frozen at the sight. I held utterly still hoping desperately that he hadn't heard me and that I would be able to softly turn and creep away.

"Feyre.." he murmured, turning to look at me and making as if to stand and go.

"Dont..." I said gesturing for him to sit back down.

"Please" I said. "I didn't know you were here. You stay. I will leave." I went to turn and walk away.

"Wait" he said, calling me back to him and gesturing for me to join him.

I felt like a rabbit half caught in a snare. I couldn't leave without being rude and yet I couldn't stay without facing the enormous chasm between us. I turned and walked slowly towards him. Softly sitting a respectful distance away.

We sat in silence. I played my game where I practice counting the passing of my breaths in and out. Finally he turned to look at me and my heart broke at the self-loathing in his eyes. He drew a deep breath before the words started coming and once they began I didn't think they would ever stop.

"I'm so sorry" he said.

"Sorry I lied about the treaty..."

"Sorry for taking you from your father and your family..."

"Sorry for what you had to endure under the mountain..."

"Sorry that you can never go back..."

"Sorry that we can never go back..."

He said these last words so quietly that I could barely make them out. He was no longer able to meet my eye.

"Oh, Tam..." I said reaching for his hand that sat on the ground between us. And then it all came pouring out of me. All of the things that had been caged up inside of me since that horrible day I slew those innocent faeries and fractured my soul.

"Its not your fault...."

"It was never your fault..."

"We had no good choices..."

"Everything we did, all the blood that was spilt and the fear and shame and horror, it was all her."

"She played with us all. You did what you had to..."

"I don't blame you, Tam..."

"I'm just so sorry that it all came to this, like despite everything, she somehow still won..." My voice trailed off quietly at this final confession.

"Don't say that" he growled, his hand tightening around mine.

We sat in silence, watching the crystal waters of the stream pass us by.

Eventually I spoke again. "I don't know how to be your friend" I said quietly.

He laughed softly before adding "For a girl who taught herself how to hunt and paint and swim, I'm sure you will work it out".

He gently squeezed my hand and let it go.

Eventually he stood and left me sitting by the steam, lost in the flow of my own thoughts.

We can never go back. That is the cruel blessing and curse of time. All we have is this moment and once it is over all the things that were and are and could have been are lost to us. We can only move forward, knowing that each moment is a new and present gift. Time waits for no one, not even us immortals. I was done wasting time punishing myself for what had been. So was Tamlin. It was not perfect, but it was now, and now was all we had. A beautiful and broken ALL filled with endless possibilities.

Including the possibility of me learning to read to find out what was in that damn letter.