Blasphemous Relations

One - Empty and Void

I plopped into my seat, lifting my hand to signal that a waiter should come over to the table. Tos looked up at me and gave me the smallest of naughty smiles, his eyes filled with such wariness that I found myself able to comprehend.

"Beautiful as always." He said softly, bringing the beer to his lips for a sip.

"You still drink like a girl." I returned.

He gave me a genuine smile, his eyes lighting up. "You still have a girl's haircut."

"You wish you had hair like this, honey." I scoffed, rolling my eyes and running my fingers through my hair. I had chosen to wear it down today, with only a bright blue aliceband to hold it back from my face.

"If that was my wish, mon cher, that's the hair I would have." He pointed out, leaning back in his chair with a smug smile.

I tsked, shaking my head at him. "Yet, you still wouldn't look this fabulous, love." I returned, tilting my head and blinking my eyes ever so innocently. "Gin and tonic, please... and another beer for the lady." I told the waiter as he reached our table. His face contorted into confusion for a moment before he nodded and walked away.

"Leave me be, Xee." He griped playfully, taking a long pointed sip. "Your mate still being an asshole?"

"You already know the answer to that question." I sighed, tracing circles in the light dust on the table. "On the bright side, he totally acknowledged that we are mates today."

"Saying it in front of the fox – who is competition to his wolf by the way – does not count, Xee." He pointed out, a small frown on his face.

"You know I hate it when you do that." I grumbled, trying to restrain myself from flipping the table.

"Being right or dabbling in future memories?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Both." I admitted with a sigh. The waiter placed our drinks on the table with a small smile before walking away. I groaned, "And you always do it."

"Again, which one?"

"Again. Both."

He chuckled heartily, shaking his head. "I can't help that I'm mostly always right."

I groaned, rolling my eyes. "Don't."

"Okay. Okay. Let's just have a drink and talk about this cute little succubus I met the other day. Batshit crazy but absolutely gorgeous." He grinned like the cat the caught the canary, his eyes sparkling in mischief making chuckle.

"Really? So you wanna hit it and quit it?"

"Actually..."

"No." I said firmly, my smile dying instantly.

"Pianistas needs some tail and I hear succubi are great at that. You can't keep him to yourself. Especially since you've only slept with him once and that was a moment of weakness. You have to let him find someone else." He reasoned, leaning back with a careless shrug.

"Fine. Goddess, I hate it when you are right, 'Tos." I grumbled, downing my drink in one go. I signalled the waiter to bring me a new one. "Besides, we both know I'm going to go back to that bastard Blaise."

"No worries, Xee. Everything will work out. Trust me." He replied earnestly, his eyes glittering with concern. I nodded helplessly, changing the topic to his sister Dementia.

I'm tired of talking about Blaise.

I'm tired of hoping it is all temporary.

I'm just tired. All it does it hurt and make me sad...and hurt some more. I'm tired of feeling like this but this is the most addictive form of masochism because I know he was made for me and I... I can't help but be a fucking hopeless romantic about this and hope that one day he will look up and realise that I love him but more importantly that he loves me...that he wants me.

Only me.

So, I drank my problems away with Tos until 3a.m but the problem is that alcohol never helped me forget. It helps me confront. I hate that about myself. All booze makes me do is think.

And lately, all I could think about is Blaise and how to feel about this situation but all I could feel was... lost.

I was never one to feel lost at any point in my life. I hate the feeling of being absolutely clueless as to what my next move would be. I hated the feeling of being.... Lost. I hated knowing that my memory or intelligence could not conjure up information that could help me out in that given predicament. I hated it with a passion. I mean, who wouldn't?

But today, I felt so lost.

I felt helpless.

I felt stupid.

I felt... weak.

Absolutely and completely..........lost.

And those feelings make me so sick. They make my stomach churn in self-hatred and disgust. I just wanted to jump off of a bridge to put an end to this inner conflict that would not, for a minute, let me rest. Instead there is an incessant buzzing in the back of my mind telling me that he's with her. I could feel the betrayal in my bones. I couldn't feel it as strongly as other mates because I don't bear the mark of my mate, but once when we were going it at it like bunnies over the kitchen counter while everyone was away, he scraped my shoulder accidently and it left a nice deep gauge in my skin. Now I can slightly feel everything he feels.

And I could feel the tell-tale tingling in my bones that resonated within the depths of my manhood that told me that my mate was being gratified and not just anyhow but by the warmth of mouth. I could feel the slight scraping of the teeth and the little pecks left on the tip. He's with her. Again.

I sighed, crossing my legs on my bed as I shopped online for a suit for graduation. I know that Vera wants to design me one but this isn't my wedding and I want her to put all her energy into that. I mean, when I get married, I basically start my own clan. My very own people to lead. Well, I would have but my mate is a wolf and it doesn't work like that especially since he's a beta.

It's times like these that I wished that I had gone to get a replacement mate and picked out a nice strong Alpha. Yeah, that would've been life.

My eyes lazily scanned the page, clicking my mouse repeatedly as I went through the half-assed designs of what I'm sure some newbie designer thought would be the next haut couture but was really a neauveau riche type of wanna-be-classy suit. I sighed in aggravation. I should just design my own damn suit. Ugh.

A message popped up on screen, interrupting my very serious shopping spree making me groan in further agitation. Why won't the world let me freaking self-actualise? I opened the email for the sake of not having it aggravate me later when it was filling up my inbox and scoffed immediately.

Modelling? Seriously?

Ugh.

He makes me mad.

Who is this person and where do they keep finding my photos?

Although, I would love to see Paris and Milan, being based there is an entire different story. Blaise is a beta, he can't just up and leave his pack. He'd become a rogue or worse, he'd debond me. I would never risk my relationship like that. No matter how frustrating he is.

I will never abandon my mate.

Even if he basically abandoned me.