Bitter & Sassy (Louis Tomlinson)

Chapter 24 ~ Wife & Risks

I want to believe all women are the same and keep me safe from everyone. I want to be sure that sooner or later, everyone will leave and I have to be prepared. But I can’t exactly do that anymore, because I see Alex that would do anything to protect Niall, someone who seems blind to everyone else now and that looks at her boyfriend like the sun is coming out of his eyes. I see Mila calling Zayn every time she gets the chance, reassuring him that she loves him although she is meeting loads of new people. I see Hannah sending Harry videos of her singing to him, or videos where she plays with her cat, Hope, just so Harry can see them when he misses her. I see these girls loving the lads as much as they love them and it’s hard to believe they would ever hurt them…

And Kay… Kay makes everything so confusing. Because she makes me feel intoxicated when she touches me and she is dangerous and she tells me she cares, that she likes me and wants me with her… but she doesn’t take anything seriously. She’s been with many people before, girls and boys, I don’t care. The thing is that she says she wants me now, but what happens later? She has got bored of many people before me, she has left many people… what tells me she won’t get bored of me if I give in? What tells me she won’t leave me if I ever dare to give in? I know I can’t be enough for her… I can’t be enough for anyone and I know there are tons of better people. And it’s even worse! If I ever decide to give her a chance, I won’t be competing against other men, I’ll have to put up with other girls as well. The odds of someone better than me are even higher with Kay! How can I deal with that?

And why on Earth am I even contemplating these options?

I can’t trust her on this matter, not with her behaviour, not with the little things I know about her. I can’t even think of going through the same again. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting my heart broken, no, that’s the least of my concerns; what worries me the most is not being enough for someone else again. I can’t take that risk with Kay because it’s even higher than the risk I took with Eleanor… and she found someone better.

“By the way,” Alex speaks bringing me back to reality and I shake my head to get rid of all the shadows of my thoughts. “Do I take this as you deciding to give up on our divorce?” she asks with her smile still on her lips. “I daresay I missed you calling me wify.”

I know it’s not like she is my real wife, we don’t actually have a relationship and it’s only a game… it was fun before, it could be fun again. All the problems started because I put her in the same category as Eleanor and all the other women… but she has done nothing to make me think she would hurt Niall. Should I put her in the exceptions list?

I have warned Niall that she may leave him, that she may find someone better and he is still taking the risk. I can’t do anything else, it’s his decision and as I friend, I should respect that. It’s his relationship, not mine. I can’t make him do something, even though I think that for his own sake he should put distance and save himself from the pain, but he won’t. No matter what I tell him. And it’s his life, not mine. If Alex leaves him, she would hurt him, not me. Still, I would never forgive her for that, but until that happen I guess I can hope for the best.

“I guess…” I say, not a hundred per cent sure yet, but trying. It makes my head hurt, but if I keep fighting Alex and pushing her away, although she was my closest friend from the girls, then I’m hurting Niall as well, and he is one of my best mates, I can’t do that. It’s not okay, right?

“Oh, Husband!” Alex cries pretending to be at the edge of tears. “I’ve missed you so much! Let me hug you!” she lets go of Niall and steps forward, but I step back.

“Woah, woah! There’re limits,” I say raising my hands as to stop her. “Not so far, Wife.”

She looks discouraged for a second, but as soon as I call her wife she lights up again and smiles brightly at me. Then she looks at Niall, as if he is the only one who could understand her excitement. “Nialler! I got my husband back!”

“Should I say yay?” he questions out loud and she laughs happily, jumping to his arms and once he catches her, he smiles so full of life, just as if he is holding the most precious thing in this world, and maybe he feels like that.

I remember I loved Eleanor very much, but I don’t remember feeling like that. I don’t remember the world stopping around us when we were together. I was happy, I enjoyed our time together, but I don’t think I ever looked like Niall and Alex right now, and I’m sure Eleanor never looked at me like Alex is looking at Niall.

Could that be the reason why Eleanor found someone better and left me but Alex is still with Niall? Maybe Eleanor and I were never meant to be, no matter how much I wanted that. But then I remember the way she was acting when I saw her with Eric in Manchester… she did looked like Alex back then, she just wasn’t with me.

Maybe no one will ever look at me like that, maybe I’ll never be enough for someone and I’ll stay alone… and I thought I was okay with that, because alone means safe, but I’m not that sure anymore, because when I think of staying alone while all my friends find someone for them makes something twist in my guts. Because I know, Mila does look at Zayn like Alex looks at Niall, and Hannah looks at Harry as if she can’t picture her life without him anymore. Just like the lads look at them… but no one looks at me like that, no one ever looked at me like that.

“Well done, mate,” Harry says with his hand on my shoulder and the contact brings me back again. I’m getting lost in my train of thoughts too often, that can’t be normal. “Calling Alex was the right thing. He has even forgotten about the snapbacks!”

“And it only took me a divorce! The bright side, Alex won’t ask for my Porsche anymore,” I answer and with those words, Alex lets go of Niall again.

“Oh no, I still want that car. What’s mine it’s your, Husband. Don’t you remember?” she says and I groan.

“Does that mean Niall is mine too?” I wonder and she looks at the Irish lad who is laughing at out conversation.

“You can keep the car.” She finally gives in furrowing her eyebrows at me and I laugh this time.

“Victory!” I cheer and that makes us all laugh, although it is not really funny, but the air feels lighter and maybe the end of tension between Alex and I, getting back —kinda— to our old friendship makes things better, easier for us to laugh. Or maybe it’s relief because Harry and I didn’t die. Or because things seem to be getting back to normal slowly. They didn’t even mention how this means having the ‘old Louis’ back, they just played along. And maybe that was what I needed all this time to break that ice

I know I can’t be the same as before, many things have changed, but I guess I don’t have to be so hateful. I’m still wary… I still think women —and just being in a relationship— are dangerous and I’m still not ready to even think of taking that risk again. Maybe I’ll never be ready… maybe I’m too much of a coward and I have to accept that and maybe one day everyone will accept that. And I’ll become a monk or something. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun with my friends ever again. I’ll just have to see Alex as one of the boys.

Well, that’s not that hard, though.

I feel someone’s eyes on me and when I turn to my right, I see Kay, standing afar, a smile on her lips as she watches the scene, but not making a single attempt to get closer. Her eyes are especially on me and when I meet her gaze, I do feel like the rest of the world stops and I can’t even hear Niall, Harry and Alex laughing. Suddenly, I’m only conscious of our eye-contact and the distance that divide us.

Her smile grows wider and she winks at me, and only then I realise what has happened and it scares the crap out of me.

No, no, no, and no. Hell no. Kay can’t make me feel like this. It’s impossible. This never happened. Nope. No. Just no. No. Don’t even try.

It was something else, something related to all those thoughts I had for watching Niall and Alex. This has nothing to do with Kay and I. There must be another, sensible, explanation for what just happened.

Yet I can’t stop looking at her until she turns around and leaves… only then I can turn away and be conscious of my friends again.

No. Just no. Don’t even think about it, Louis Tomlinson.