Rants about Depression,suicide,selfharm and anxiety and they all kill

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So today was the first time I have gone to church in five years... since I don't believe in god and all my friend had asked me to go in hope it would make me a better person. I can't believe that. I mean sure ill go coz you wanted me to but no,no, no and fucking no I'm a perfectly imperfect person and I don't need to believe in a god or anything else like that. no I'm not a changed person and no I'm not a better person then I was. it's not going to magically fix the fact I have a fucked up home life, major depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and tendoncies and self hard with every chance I get, no amount of anything will change how ducked up I am and I know that, why the fucking hell can't anyone else see it. I don't want to be changed or change I may not be happy with who I am or my self over all but I Deserve the life of pain and misery and guilt and hurt and sorrow because I'm a fucked up person
Jazzy💚💜