How We Disappear

Chapter 12.

Written by: Sophie (Gasoline_Sunshine)

Chapter 12

Gerard.

I didn’t know what to do. I was clueless.

First of all - Frank, the best friend I’ve had in my life, the one person I could go to, someone I could tell anything and everything to, had kissed me, out of nowhere. If nothing else, my church wanted us, and everyone else, to know that homosexuality was a sin. Two homosexuals’ marriage wasn’t even legal, or acceptable in the eyes of the church. What would happen if the church found out about what had happened? What if my parents found out?

 The only thing that I continued to worry about as I laid on my bed in the dark that night was what other people would think. But if Frank had taught me anything, he taught me that I had to start thinking for myself. So what did I think about what had gone on that night?

 The whole thing caught me completely off guard, I knew that. I had thought the whole time that Frank and I were just really good friends. Had Frank been planning on making a move on me this whole time? Had he liked me, as more than a friend, the entire time that we had known each other? There was no way. Why would he like me? He knew my morals and values, my and my church’s beliefs. How could he know all of that and still do what he had done?

 I still wasn’t digging deep enough in my thoughts to pull out my beliefs, my thoughts. This was harder than I thought. So, instead of thinking of any little thing that came to mind, I would ask myself questions. Straight up, specific questions.

 What do I think about homosexuality?

 Despite my church’s and my family’s morals and beliefs, I didn’t see a problem with it. I had always thought that two people should be able to get married if they genuinely loved each other. It shouldn’t matter what gender their birth certificates said about them. I never understood why a man and woman that had just met each other in Vegas could get married the same night they met, completely intoxicated and would not be aware of what was happening the next morning - but a man and a man that had been together for years and were completely in love weren’t legally allowed to get married. Nothing was wrong with homosexuality, in my personal opinion.

 I was genuinely surprised when I realized that those were actually my beliefs. I had always thought I believed what my family and my church believed - but I had a completely different view.

 How would I feel if I found out that Frank had had feelings for me this whole time?

It would surprise me, but it wouldn’t make me angry. I definitely didn’t see it coming, that’s for sure. I thought this was just evolving into a strong friendship. I had no idea that it would take this turn. But if Frank knew that it would all along - I wouldn’t be upset. Surprised, caught off guard, but not angry. I would never be able to be angry with him, especially for something like this. It was his feelings that we were dealing with here. If he had strong feelings for me, and had this whole time, I couldn’t completely put him down. I would never have it in me to break his heart. If anything, I’d try talking to him, try to make things the way that they were (or the way I thought they were) before tonight. That is, if that was what was going on.

 How had I felt when Frank kissed me?

 This was the big question. The one I was dreading asking myself, but the one I knew that I needed to find the answer for more than anything else.

Again, I was surprised, caught off guard. But that wasn’t the reason I didn’t pull away. I didn’t stop Frank because...because it felt right. It was wrong, but it felt right. Being that close, that intimate with him...I felt safe. Safer than I had all my life. It made me feel invincible. I sounded like a romance novel, but it was all so true. It felt good to be with him. I had been raised to believe that it was the worst thing I could do - worse than murder, worse than adultery. How could loving someone be worse than killing someone, worse than ruining your family?