How We Disappear

Chapter 15.

Written by: Sophie (Gasoline_Sunshine) and Jilli (trustmeforever)

Chapter 15.

Gerard.

“I still haven’t picked what I want to do.” I sighed, feeling anxious. Frank’s eyes glanced at me for a moment then went to the sheets of paper scattered across the table before us. I stared at him - he was thinking of something.

“That’s okay, Gerard.” He said calmly.

“But – but – but, I don’t have anything!” I set down the papers that had been filled with drawing after drawing. They drifted back onto the table top, eventually lying still as before.

“You’ll be fine, Gerard. Don’t force anything, you have wait until the time is right, you have to wait until you know, until you are inspired.”

“But…I don’t know what being inspired feels like, Frank.”

“Yes, you do.” Frank sighed, starting to collect all of the pieces of paper into one pile, then moving the pile off to the side and leaning his arms on the table. “Do you remember the first time you ever showed your art to me, Gerard?”

I nodded.

“Think about it this way. Think of where you were then, with your art. Your feelings about it, your opinion, how good you were. And then…look at you now.” He gestured to the pile of drawings. “You’re more confident, more talented. Your art is going to be in a show, Gerard. And when you say that you don’t know what it feels like to be inspired...listen to this. This art right here wouldn’t be nearly as good as it is if you hadn’t been inspired when you made it. You can’t force this kind of stuff. Let it come to you, like these pieces of art did. The ideas that you had in your head were transferred to these pieces of paper, and your inspiration helped you to do that. And whether you decide that you want to use some of these pieces - or even use some that you haven’t made yet - in the art show, it’ll be fantastic. As long as you don’t force it.”

“You’re right, Frank. I know, you’re right.” There was a little glimmer in his eye, a new smile spreading across his lips. It felt nice to see him happy, but inside I felt as empty as ever. Inside I felt cold. I knew I could do this – and what Frank said, about me having the ability, well I knew he was right, I just had to dig deep down and remember I could do it, I was going to be okay and do fine. “Do you have any suggestions?” I asked shyly.

“I think you know my answer.”

I chuckled to myself “Actually I don’t.”

Frank smiled a little wider and rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to give you any suggestions, Gerard. You don’t need any. It isn’t my art that’s going up in a show, it’s your art that’s being shown, you need to make suggestions for yourself – I am not helping you at all, not with the art that is. I’ll support you and I’ll be there for you but you need to make the decision on your own, Gerard. That’s the only way you’re ever going to learn.”

He meant what he said and that was one of the many things I liked about Frank. The things that made him who he was came out to me everyday in different ways, all of which I enjoyed. I learned so much about him in just the past couple of minutes. He was good with words, great with advice. His words helped me keep calm and focused. He wasn’t trying to be mean and not give me any help; instead he was trying to help me by letting me go a little. If I fell he would help me back up and encourage me to try again. That’s just how Frank was; it was his way of teaching.

“Okay, fine. I’ll try.” I said, collecting the drawings from the table and putting them back into my bag, then climbing out of the booth. Part of my response was a lie – I didn’t believe that I could do this by myself. But the other part wanted to try the hardest I could, to make Frank happy. “I’ve gotta go, but I’ll see you around.” Frank bowed his head then brought it back up again.