BANGERZ 2: WORST BEHAVIOR (2015)

36. Initiation

I smile to myself, unable to resist their infectious amusement, as I breathe in a considerable hit. The dry, pleasant smoke gathers in the back of my throat, enough to burn my nostrils, before I blow it all out - forcing my moody sentiments out with it. I don't want to bring my friends down, even though I feel like I'm sinking no matter how high I get.

"What about a gateway to a good deal?" I ask them eventually. I close my eyes for a moment, glimpsing afterimages of the sparkling stars, before sitting up straight. I'm smoking for a reason: to get rid of my nerves about tonight's tasks. But I can't afford to lose sight of my responsibilities completely. "Do you guys think I'm in over my head with this whole thing?"

Miley, Za, and Khalil glance at each other meaningfully before looking back at me. They've been looking to me a lot in the past two weeks. And just like in all those recent times, there are no signs of uncertainty masked as concern in their expressions - only a careful regard, and a genuine attentiveness.

Za is the one who speaks up first. He leans forward, propping his elbows on his knees, and says sincerely, "I think that you made some tough calls and stepped it up to put us back in the game, and at this point we can't say how it's gonna go. We just gotta do what needs to be done tonight."

Khalil nods agreeably, gazing out at the field below us. It looks so nice from up here, wide and open because we have the best seats in the house - but also dark and very far away, like a gaping hole. "It's not like we ain't done risky business like this before, either. It's hard to trust the people we're dealing with, but we gotta trust what it's worth."

"And we've gotta stick together," Miley says, hitting the nail on the head as per usual. She plops down beside me and I half-expect her to put her arm around me - but, realizing quickly that this is a ridiculous idea, I pass the almost-exhausted blunt to her instead. "This is one for all, all for one, Three Musketeers shit. Tonight is happening because of all of us - all five of us. And it'll turn out just fine because of us, too." She sucks in a huge hit, ending the discussion.

"You mean us," I clarify, pointing around our huddle. I'm not yet satisfied. "Lord only knows what Jason is doing tonight instead of being around."

She arches an eyebrow. "He must be handling whatever he was talking about that day in the studio."

"Did he tell you that?"

"No," Za answers. "He hasn't said anything to any of us. That's normal when he wants to take care of something by himself."

"We thought he might've talked to you, though," Khalil says.

"No. I have no idea what he's doing, and he specifically said he wouldn't tell me. That means you guys too, apparently. I just don't understand why he doesn't wanna be around for the end of all this. Especially after he claims that I undermined his leadership, or whatever."

Miley shrugs. "He trusts you."

I fume silently and try not to explode with frustration. They're being so lackadaisical about this, and I don't quite understand why they're not as annoyed with Jason as I am.

"Or he's just being a stubborn adolescent," I say after my last pull on the blunt. I exhale smoke in exasperation. "Has he really not said anything to you guys?"

They shake their heads, and I can't help my groan.

"I've never met someone who is so good at avoiding the subject," I mutter. "With people he sees everyday!"

"And I've never met two people who put each other in their feelings so much," Za says with a smirk. "He'll take care of his business, realize he misses you, and come back soon enough." He pauses to deepen his voice. "'I'm sorry, baby, I was trying win the game but lost you. You know how this works.' And you'll take him back, even though right now you thinking, 'Fuck you nigga, you ain't shit.'" He makes his voice high-pitched to imitate me, I guess, and I swear that line is from a song. "Just rub it in his face that you came through clutch for the team first. Tell him you got the juice."