iridescent :: tyler joseph

twenty three

"Florence!" I exclaimed through the phone speaker, eager to talk to my old friend. We hadn't spoken since the day everything with Josh and Tyler clicked into place in my mind, and I tried not to let that anger me as much as it should have.

"Bri! It's been forever!"

"Yeah, like almost three fucking months," I chuckled. "last time I saw you, I was screaming and running away from everyone at the concert."

"Yeah, I left as soon as I saw Josh. I wasn't watching a second of that asshole's performance."

"Well, actually," I began, hesitant to talk about everything. Fuck it. "we made up, and things were okay until I fell for his best friend."

"What?" Florence snapped, changing
tone quickly.

"He ended up leaving me too," I sighed, shifting around on the couch. I decided to spare her the details mainly because I didn't want to hear about how this was a repeat of last year.

"Pathetic."

"I know man, I can't believe he did that to me after-"

"No, Bri. I meant you're pathetic."

I was truly taken aback at her sudden, painful words. My chest panned with guilt and I felt like I'd been constricted with thick air, choking me and closing up my throat with every breath I took.

"W-what?"

"You're so fucking pathetic. You let men walk all over you and then you blame them. Maybe if you were sane enough for a damn relationship, you wouldn't have all theses issues!"

Was this a dream?

"I didn't know any of this was gonna happen, or I wouldn't have talked to Josh or his friend in the first place!"

There was a scoff on the other end of the line and I felt an unexpected teardrop settle between the crevice of the cold phone screen and my cheek.

"God, you play the victim so hard. I think you wanted this shit to happen so you could go crying to your mother's arms and throw yourself a pity party."

"My mother is fucking dead!" I screamed, my throat pounding under its thin skin. "She's gone and so is everyone else. And you couldn't bother to even text me after the concert until now."

"Well, you obviously could've texted me." she spat back, her tone not easing even the slightest bit.

"Fuck you." I scoffed, hanging up the phone and throwing it down on my bed in one quick motion.

Our conversation replayed and rotated around in my brain until I could practically see her saying those harsh words to my face.

But the worst part was that I agreed.

I completely and totally agreed with every single syllable she spoke.

I was pathetic. I did deserve to be unhappy for as long as I could.

This was my fault.

And then the thoughts came.

I'd be better off gone.

Everything would be so much easier for everyone if I was dead.

If I left now, nobody would even flinch.

So in reality, I guess I was throwing myself a pity party. My hands were violently tangled in my hair and I let out so many choked sobs that it felt like my lungs were damaged. And part of me wanted them to be.

I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to live and I was pretty sure nobody really would care either way.

I wish I could say that even in what I thought to be my last minutes, my mind was blank. But it was quite the opposite.

Part of me felt blacked out and numb as I screamed and pulled at my scalp, and the other half felt completely and painfully alive.

I loved him. I fucking did.

But he was gone.

He wasn't coming back and it was all my fault.

He was the only thing keeping me alive.

Even if it was only the burning faith I had in him to reappear.

But all of that had been forcefully washed away from me.

What was keeping me alive now?

Nothing.

-

FOUR THOUSAND READS

THATS A SHIT LOAD UM

I'M STILL BLOWN AWAY TAHNDK U

by the way, i love u all

-gabs