Finding Me and Loving You

Love and Loss

Spencer ^^^^

"So last week we discussed your cutting which lead to us discussing your past relationship and I would like to finish if you don't mind" I nodded and started telling Mrs. Gonzalez about her. *I was 15 and she was 14. When we first met I wasn't really into her because she was younger than me and she had a gf actually we both did but mines was just, just, it just fell apart. She was a friend someone I went to when I needed to cry or vent or gossip to she was always there when I needed her and I was the same with her. I don't remember when I fell for her but I realized that she was my everything way before I acknowledged my feelings for her.....
   *flashback*

"Spencer we should really stop sneaking around. You have a gf and it's not fair to either of us because you can't keep us both. Its not fair to her cuz she loves you and you love her and this isn't fair to me because of that exact reason you love her which means that I'll never be able to have all of you so go back to her and try to fix your relationship"
   *end flashback*

It took 2 days but she finally went home to her girlfriend and I stopped talking to her, I just couldn't talk to her knowing that she was with someone else when she should've been with me even if she was never mine to begin with. It was then I started cutting again so I can release the pain I felt. Even with the pain and the emptiness I felt it didn't dawn on me how I felt about her. About 4 months later a week after I got out he nut house she texted me and I was so scared then I was nervous anxious worried happy excited and angry at myself for feeling this way from a single text but I couldn't help it so I texted back......the next day." Mrs. Gonzalez looked up from her writing " why did you text the next day" " because of how I was feeling and I had just got out the hospital it was like she knew something wasn't right. She fussed at me for taking so long and then we actually talked again and that was when I acknowledged the way my chest tightened and my heart beat faster and I knew I was in too deep. She just has this way about her she knew me so well even better than I knew myself. " "why are you frowning Blue what's wrong?" I closed my eyes " everything. Our relationship was only perfect on the outside we fought and argued we used each other for our own selfish reasons we we're both jealous possessive people and her ex she just couldn't leave her alone so I told her to stop or I'll cut again. She thought I was lying so I did it but I didn't tell her I couldn't bring myself to do it I wanted to rub it in her face but when I cut it felt so good and I missed it so I kept it to myself until she caught me and we argued she left I called an old friend I cheated Spencer found out and then she cheated and then we broke up. " " that wasn't a very good thing to do why would you do something like that?" " because I was scared of losing her and since my original plan didn't work I just stopped thinking and just did. But not even two weeks later we were back together and it's the same way we get together we break up over and over for 3 years but then about 2 years ago we broke up and we haven't been together since. I was happy but I was also heartbroken so I cut and cut and cut and cut when I was committed she was all I thought about every time I was committed she was all I thought about until I realized we weren't ever gonna be so I started to get with other people who ever wanted me I didn't wanna be alone and so I always had someone. I started being more social and open with my feelings. But I was so open when people came to me with their problems. I became the person everyone wanted advice from or asked for my help or needed to vent I became everyone's go to person and I started letting their problems affect me.  Someone's dog died I cut because it was sad, someone got in a new band or something I cut because the happiness was overwhelming everything was a reason to cut. Until I couldn't feel anything anymore and I had to stop. I wanted to tell someone but nobody had time nobody wanted to listen or they we're busy I was alone and I tried to kill myself I took so many pills that day I almost died again " "again? " " yea I died before actually I've died 3 times I was so cliche about it too I cut up my arms and legs got 4 different bottles of pills and I was so happy that my mom actually bought alcohol, she never does, so I drank the alcohol and took the pills and then I woke up in the hospital " Mrs. Gonzalez was speechless so I just continued talking "the last time I was committed I was told because of my mental health and history if I get committed again then I'm stuck in there forever and I can't I just can't anymore I feel so trapped there but anyway Spencer and I started talking again a few months ago and everything is OK we are friends and thats it. But she said something that had me thinking.  She said 'do you ever wonder why we don't leave each other alone even though we know that we aren't good for each other ' " " and what was it " I smiled and said " she said because we aren't good for each other we manipulate guilt emotionally abuse and break each other that it would be smart that we leave each other alone but we don't because we are each other's addiction. And it made sense the more I thought about it. We're perfect for each other but we aren't good for each other " Mrs. Gonzalez stood up " our time is up but I'm scheduling you for 2 weeks for 2 hours and we can talk more alright " I nodded and left her office checking my phone I was so ready to get in my bed and sleep that was tiring.