Just The Benefits (PUBLISHED)

Kabanata 60

Nakalimutan ko iyong tanong ko nung hinawi niya iyong tela.

"Wow," was the only word was able to say. Ang daming tao. Punung-puno iyong arena. Maraming ilaw at puno ng banners na nakalagay ang pangalan ni Kyle.

I was busy gawking at the view when Shiloah pointed at something. Unti-unti akong napangiti nung mapansin ko iyong isang grupo ng mga babae na may hawak na maliit na tarpaulin na nakalagay iyong mukha at pangalan ni Shiloah. Siguro sa iba wala lang iyon. Ano ba naman iyong isang maliit na tarpaulin kumpara sa dami ng mga tarpaulin na nakalagay iyong mukha ni Kyle?

But for us, it meant a lot.

"Ang cute nila," I said. Naka-ngiti ako. Hindi ko mapigilan iyong ngiti sa mukha ko.

Shiloah nodded.

"Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit sobrang naniniwala sila sa akin," he said and I couldn't help but frown. Ang baba talaga ng confidence niya. Kahit na minsan niyayabangan niya ako dahil sa mga tinuturo sa kanya ni Kyle, hindi pa rin mawawala iyong Shiloah na mababa ang confidence.

"Alam ko na we only accept the love we think we deserve... Pero minsan, hindi masama na i-enjoy kung anuman iyong nakukuha natin. They believe in you, Shiloah. Don't insult their feelings by questioning why they support you."

"Sinusubukan ko pero ang hirap intindihin kung bakit," he answered.

"Hindi naman kasi natin dapat intindihin lahat ng bagay," I replied. "Hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit mahal na mahal mo ako, e," I rebutted.

It was his turn to frown. I looked at him and he was holding my gaze. Parang gusto kong matunaw dahil sa tingin niya sa akin. He wasn't touching me, we're inches apart but the effect was so overwhelming. I was just too happy he's beside me.

"If only you'd see what I see when I look at you, you wouldn't ask me why I'm so in love with you."

Parang mayroong tambol sa loob ng dibdib ko. Parang tumakbo ako sa marathon dahil sa bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Parang bigla na kaming dalawa na lang iyong nandito.

It was as if suddenly, the world didn't matter anymore.

I wanted to kiss him and to make him feel how much he means to me pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. It was so hard. I wanted to touch him but I promised myself I'll be the bigger person. Maghihintay ako na maghiwalay sila ni Candy. Ayoko na gawing masama si Shiloah dahil sa pagmamahal niya sa akin.

He told me he's ready to leave anyone, anything for me... but I won't let him do that. Ayokong maging selfish. Ayoko na maging dahilan kung bakit kakalimutan niya ang mundo. I want this love to be the kind of love that will inspire him to be better, to do better... I don't want the kind of love that will destroy whatever he's working so hard for.

So I stopped myself. I held his hand instead.

"Alam ko," I told him. "Thank you for loving me, Shiloah."

I saw pain shot through his eyes. Ni minsan, hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kanya na mahal ko siya. I love him, I really do... But I wanted to wait for the perfect time. Kapag okay na ang lahat, kapag wala na kaming maaapakan na tao.

And he's got nothing to worry about because I wasn't going anywhere.

"Mahal ka namin," I told him. I tried. Kahit sa ganitong paraan man lang, masabi ko sa kanya na mahal ko siya... Kahit hindi direkta... "Those people? They will soon love you. Alam ko na mamahalin ka rin nila."

His eyes were devoid of any emotion. It was hurting me that I can't tell him that I love him.

I caressed his face and then kissed his cheek.