Lost and Found

Chapter 6

It's been more than a week, complete seven days but the difference is this Saturday, I'm here alone on my couch in front of a flat screen television which is showing some news but my mind is not able to figure out what they are saying as the only thought fresh in my mind is how after even seven year by looking at those dark brown eyes for mere few seconds I am still stumbling, and the most infuriating part is when finally I was able to control myself, when after such a long time I was finally breathing and making myself calm, when I was able to believe on the idea of not seeing her accusing eyes ever again, that maybe, maybe there won't be anyone who would see me with the same disgust like hers but because of her today I am still there at the same exact point where I was all those years ago, but this time I don't have any hate for myself inside me but there is this longing for forgiveness, Allah had blessed me enough but I want myself to be forgiven by those whose culprit I am. Khadija, Hasan, Jeanine and every single person I have hurt, misused or betrayed.

Sometimes I want to ask every single person around me that have they ever made such a mistake that it's guilt is still killing them and every minute of every day they want to undo it and they would do anything to make it up to their blunders or is it just me? Am I the only one this corrupted? Am I the one burning in the desire to set my heart, soul and mind free from this burden? And if I'm, so till when I am going to be like this? Maybe I am being selfish here, maybe I am forgetting of how merciful Allah have been all these times and maybe I saw her again so I could ask for her mercy and if she doesn't want to forgive, that's alright I just want her to not look at me with the way she looked me that day all those years ago. Her tear stained face and her accusing eyes are still haunting me.

"Wali I have set up the table." I looked up to Joe who patted my back informing about the dinner.

"Yeah... yeah I'll be right there, thanks Joe." I smiled at him and didn't miss the worried look on his face. Are my thoughts so obvious? From the day I have came back Joe have been asking about the ceremony and as soon as he mentions the ceremony instead of the celebration her face flashed up in front of my eyes.

Ya Allah mudud! (Ya Allah help!)

Rubbing my eyes I got up from the couch and turning off the TV I picked up my phone which was flashing its LED light showing the notification alert so unlocking it I was greeted up by the message from Megan and Matt respectively reminding me about the candidates who will be coming for their job interviews on Monday. I still have to go through the files which Matt handed over me earlier today. Groaning I kept my phone aside and sat for the dinner but got Joe's attention by his awkward cough and raised at my eyebrows at him to find out he was already looking at me with a weird expression.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" He asked.

"What?" I said looking around me.

"May I know what has clouded most of your mind that you aren't present mentally rather we have some clone of yours walking around?" Not again! I groaned inside, that's the same thing Matt said me or more like accused me when we were having lunch today. Here I am trying to busy myself and be as attentive as I can be, before getting drifted back by one same thought and these people are not helping a bit.

"Wali! You zoned out again!" Joe called me. "Where are you lost? The day you have came back from home you are like this! Did something happen? Wali you know I would listen to you no matter what! Or talk to someone else about it and don't you bother to deny, because it's crystal clear that something is going on with you." He said in a go without giving me a chance to say anything and the look in his eyes was so genuine that I found myself getting near to speaking it all out... but I can't.