Drowning

Abandoning-Chapter 8

"Oh be quiet." I snag the shoe and put it back in the box and keep walking, away from the blonde kid and his mother, away from simplicity. "I was only listening to that little boys conversation, not looking for shoes to add to my hooker collection."

Hes silent for a second before he bursts out laughing. "You-you were doing what? Instead of what?" he stutters between laughter and is literally standing in the center of target laughing so hard he's crying. It wasn't even really that funny. "Tess listening to that little boys conversation, as you nicely put it, is not much better than being a hooker." he finally says once he's caught his breath.

I roll my eyes and ignore him, continuing towards he only reason we ever came in to target, to get Starbucks.

"Oh come on Tessy you can't get mad cause I was laughing at you." he rushes to keep up with my fast pace. I keep ignoring him and his never ending pleading for forgiveness. To be honest I was never mad at him, his reaction is just priceless.

By the time we reach the Starbucks line he's practically at get down on one knee and beg for forgiveness and I'm reveling in my power.

"What can I do to make it up to you?" he asks taking place in line behind a three hundred pound woman with hair so greasy it looks like a wet dog on her head. I consider. He tries again.

"I'll buy you anything. Anything at all."

Silence.

The woman orders a venti cookie crumble frappachino with extra whipped cream, not surprisingly, and steps aside to let us order.

An old woman with graying hair and newly wrinkled face stands at the cash register and smiles at the sight of Nate with his chin on my shoulder and his hand on the small of my back. The little bastard knows I love when people touch my there. "What can I get for the happy couple?"

"Oh we aren't a--" I start but Nate cuts me off.

"She'll have a tall mocha latte and a tall black coffee for me." he knows my usual.

The woman grins and takes the twenty Nate holds out in front of her. I just roll my eyes. again.

"It's not too often you see a guy knowing exactly what his lady wants these days. Now a days guys just pay attention what the girl does wrong." she contemplates for a second. "And her boobs, men love boobs." I can feel instant flush forming on my cheeks but Nate just chuckles. He doesn't even bother to correct her about me being his lady.

"See T? We're the cutest couple in town, now you can't be mad at me." he winks at me and the cashier lady smiles again.

"Too bad we aren't a couple.." I mumble and the woman flushes red. her smile disappears.

"Oh goodness me." she hands Nate his change. "How embarrassing. You just looked perfect together, I assumed you were in love! You act more like a couple than many of the couples around." Nate laughs and tells her it's okay and steps out of line to let the middle aged man behind us order.

*****

After three hours of non stop shopping my phone vibrates in my pocket. Eli flashes across the caller ID and I don't even hesitate to slide the bar to answer him.

“Tess? Are you okay? You weren’t in school.” he sounds worried. I love it. It's rare for a guy to actually worry about me because he likes me. Maybe. Possibly. Sure Nate and the boys worry but they think of me as their little sister.

“I'm fine. Just playing hooky.” I can't help the grin that spreads from cheek to cheek. He tells me about school, how boring it was without me there, how annoying Vanessa and Morgan are, about Mr. Kapelli's crazy rant about the life cycle of a frog being cut short, and all the while Nate glares at me from the other side of the plastic gray bench.

Finally when Eli and I hang up my cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much. Nate just stares at me. I wiggle under his glare.

“What?” I finally ask. He just shakes his head. “What?” I repeat.

“You know what.”

I roll my eyes. “I don't actually, what?”

It takes twenty minutes of me pleading for him to tell me. Finally he says that I'm falling too fast, that Eli isn't a good idea, that I'm basically just screwing myself into the ground.

*****

The ride home starts out silent. No one has said a thing since the crude remark made back at the bench in front of Hollister. Fourty five minutes of silence allowing me to remember everything that just happened. Isn't he supposed to support me, no matter what? One thought starts an avalanche of insecurity and doubt. Is Nate right? Am I falling too fast? Why does he suddenly have the right to tell me who I should be with?

“You can't tell me who or who not to like Nate, it doesn't work like that.” I roll my eyes and he grunts in return, breaking the silence.

“That's not what I'm trying to do Tess. I'm trying to protect you.” He flicks on the blinker and turns onto the road home. Five miles.

“Really? Cause it's almost like you’re trying to control me. I'm not your puppet. I can have my own life.” my voice is slightly elevated and I can feel my cheeks turning red with anger. He's stupid for thinking I'm going to let him control me like this.

“Jesus Christ I'm just trying to prevent you from getting hurt again and suddenly I'm the devil.” he throws his hands up in frustration.

The only sound is the tires running over gravel and the hum of the engine. We're almost to my house now. I don't know what to do. I can't go home. I can't face mom and fight with her again today. I don't want to go home to the emptiness and SLKDFJ of home. But I can't go to Nate's. Not when we're fighting like this. And I have no one else.

“Let me out here.” I break the board of tense that's blanketed the car.

“What?”

“I said let me out. I'm not going home.”

He obeys and pulls off onto the shoulder of the road. I figure we're probably a mile or two from Eli's, maybe I can crash there tonight. The thought sets butterflies free in the pit of my stomach. Butterflies of nerves and doubt. He's only been here less than a month and I'm already this dependent on him?

“You're kidding right? Stop being ridiculous Tessa.” He says with a tone eerily similar to my mother's the other day when she was yelling at me. I flick the lock but hesitate to pull the handle.

“Since when are you my mother?”

“Since when are you such a baby?”

“Since when do you care who I like?”

“Back to this again? I thought we were mature enough to move past that.” his tone is condescending and it sends a shiver down my spine. Nate and I aren't supposed to fight like this. It's against every code and promise we've ever made to each other. I can literally feel the pulling of my heart strings.

“How am I supposed to learn maturity if you're leaning over my shoulder every single day controlling my life?”

“I'm sick of these god-damn rhetorical questions.” He shouts. It echos through the car and draws in a familiar silence. My fingers are shaking as they clasp around the gray plastic door handle. A red Camry passes by and watches us from the rear-view mirror. Dumb kids they’re probably thinking. If only they realized what was really going on here. The only piece of my sane life slipping through the cracks of a beat up car named Caroline, leaving me hanging on to the thought that maybe everything is just a dream.

“Fine.” he ends my dream. “Leave. And when you have no where else to stay, you know my doors open. Maybe you'll finally realize I try to help you is to protect you because I love you. Walk away. Be my guest.”

That's the final shove I need to open the latch and practically fall out of his car. My legs are jelly as I stand outside the old beat up playground at the end of our street and watch him drive around the corner towards his familiar, inviting, safe, house. When he's out of sight I lose it, falling onto the rock ledge behind me, burying my face in my hands. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself now. I'm lost, deserted, by the only person who's ever told me he'd never leave. I'm empty, lost, terrified, like a baby without it's pacifier. It's deja-vu. The incident all over again, only this time I don't even have Nate to fall back on.