Merciless Loop

CHAPTER 05 - Anything but This

That phrase again. I know that she meant it in a way that is different from mine; a definition that is largely hindered by the fact that for her, we’re just friends. “I know.”

“You love me too right?” she asked me with her puppy eyes boring a hole onto mine.

I do, but I can’t let those words slip through my tongue until I’m sure that your heart is synced with mine. Hearing it from you is already too painful Yuuchan.

“I know you do.” She rests her head back on my shoulders. “You won’t be that happy if you don’t… Thank you Nyannyan.”

“S-so who’s the lucky guy?” I tried so hard to put up my best smile.

“I’ll save it as a surprise Nyannyan. You’ll like him!” she sounds excited. I hope she’s like the last one Yuuchan, who loved you with all his heart.

“Un!” I can’t say a word anymore. The more her voice becomes excited, the more painful it is. Like the knife stabbed through my heart gets pushed on further.

“I’m glad you agreed Nyannyan. Takamina doesn’t even want to meet him.”

“Takamina?”

“Un! The one I’m always with when I go here.”

“Well, everybody has their own reasons. I think she has a good reason for that. She’s your friend right? She won’t do anything that would hurt you further.” the same as my reasons for keeping everything about me a secret. I’m sorry.

“She’s a jerk!” Yuuchan replied as she nuzzled more onto my neck. “That’s why I love you more than her!”

“Please don’t say that.”

“But it’s true.” She replied stubbornly.

“Then stop telling me you love me so casually.”

“Hmm?” She lifts her head and those charming eyes of hers looked onto my eyes again. “But I really like you.”

“I know that already. No need to keep on repeating it.” I lied. I want to hear it every day. I want you to say that to me every minute of every day. I want you to say it, and mean it. I want you saying that to me with the same meaning as I would define it Yuuchan.

“But I want to say it every time. Your eyes make me want to say it to you every time.” Is that how obvious I am?

“Are you sure you want me to meet your boyfriend?” I managed to ask jokingly. “If he hears you, he might get jealous of me you know.”

“He wants to meet the woman clouding up my mind.” She replied giggling and jokingly. “He wants to meet you badly.”

“Scary. So I might get killed?” Or maybe I can just kill him. “Yuko, you love him, right?” Please say you’re not so sure… give me a reason to get him off you Yuuchan! Please!

“Of course! I love him so much that I want to marry him right now.” I shouldn’t have asked. I shouldn’t have dared to ask! How stupid of me to think that there’s a chance. “But of course, I’ll let him meet you first! So when we get mar-“

“Stop.”

“Huh?! Wh-what’s…” She sat down and left me lying on the grass. She looked at me confusedly.

I can’t hold it any longer if she still continues. “I- I need to go to the restroom.” What a terrible lie.

“Then I’ll go with you.” She replied worried.

“I can go by myself. You should go to class.” I stood up, turned my back at her and started to walk away leaving her sitting there confused allowing all these held back tears to flow on my cheeks. I’m so stupid.