Thoughts.

Voices

"Good morning beautiful." I hear a tired voice whisper in my ear.

It's not him, it's her. The small voice in my mind who creates the fake memories and experiences that replace the emptiness you left in my thoughts. The one small voice we all have in our heads, but different.

This small voice is the one who fools you into thinking you love someone. The one who can make  your dreams. The one you go to when everyone else leaves you.

She wakes me up every morning in hopes she can control my thoughts for another day, and I let her. It's the voice who comforts and reasons with me when I'm feeling hopeless.

"You should never have woken up you are worthless."  I hear a second more aggressive voice grumble in my thoughts.

That's the other voice. He's not as nice as the other one, but still comforting in some ways. He's the one who talks me out of doing things that the other voice wants me to do.

This voice crushes my dreams and makes me push people away. He often keeps me lonely and sad. He tells me to do things like jump and run but never in a good way. He convinces me to hate my image and change the way I look everyday. He's very judgemental and brutal.

When I do something weird one voice says that it's okay, and I should be myself more often. The other voice convinces me to think everyone is giving me strange looks and that I've made a fool of myself. He tells me never to do that ever again or no one will like me anymore.

These voices fight very often, sometime over something very small like what my favourite colour is. The warm voice tells me that it's a light blue or pink but the other, colder voice tells and says its grey or black. He tells me that colours are lame and that I should stick to shades of grey instead of risking the chance of sharing my personality.

That's where they fight. Back and forth until I side with him. I agree with the darker side of my thoughts often, I like to be quiet and alone. It gives me a sense of security and peace. It is much better than being myself and risking the chance of someone judging me.

"Don't bother getting out of bed, you'll only hate it more."

I ponder over what the voice tells me to do and roll over in my bed. Shoving my face into the pillow and groaning I wait for the other voice to object.

"No, get up. Get a shower and you'll feel much better."

I decide that I am too tired to move and stare at my ceiling. Who am I turning into?

This isn't me. I used to be so happy and lively. What happened? Oh, yeah. I grew up. And I let the world change who I am and I let the voices in my head change what I think of myself and now, now I'm this.

"You are a failure"

This time, I agreed with the voice and muted the other. Who cares if I get up or not? It's not like me, one small person can make a difference in this word anyways.

-mk