Hold Onto Me (Koli/Kellic) (EDITING)

Chapter 11

I'm scared it won't work, that it won't help.

But I'm also scared it will.

I have so many feelings, so much anger, and hurt.

It's all I can focus on.

Negativity.

I'm such a failure.

My best friend is in love with me. Vic Fuentes. Is in love with me.

I should be ecstatic. I should be jumping for joy.

I've been in love with him since I was fourteen years old. For years, I've dreamed of what it would be like if he finally broke up with his girlfriend, and admitted his undying love for me.

It was always a dream, something that would never happen. It was something I liked to envision, to imagine, and hope for.

He'd kiss me, and everything would be right. I'd feel it, that spark, and he'd look into my eyes, and say it, say 'I'm in love with you, Kellin', and everything would be perfect.

My world of darkness and hurt, would become one of light, and all I would feel was his love for me.

I thought his love would be enough to fix me, fix everything.

It was such a beautiful dream, one I thought about often.

I never thought it would happen.

But now it has.

My best friend, the boy of my dreams (quite literally), is in love with me.

He kissed me last night, and it was nice. It was better than nice.

It was amazing.

But he's too late.

I love him, and maybe I'll always be a little in love with him.

After all, he's my first love.

But it's not what it should have been.

It shouldn't have been rainbows, and sunshine, and it wasn't.

I never expected it to be movie worthy, because life isn't a fairytale.

It actually met all the expectations I had.

But when his lips were on mine, it felt wrong.

It felt so wrong, and it shouldn't have.

But then I realized why it felt so bad, so horribly wrong.

Because when I was kissing him, I was thinking of hazel eyes, and a permanent smirk.

I was thinking of Oliver.

~

I bandage my cuts, and tug a hoodie on.

I get to school early, and grab my books.

I get to class before everyone else.

When I enter the Spanish classroom, it's empty except for the teacher.

I faintly think of how Vic moved his seat back to be next to me.

I'll have to sit by him. I don't want to answer all the questions he'll have about yesterday.

About the kiss, and me panicking and running away.

I don't know how to explain.

I gave him so much hope with that kiss, and I don't know if I have it in me to tear that all away.

It'll break his heart, I know that.

Sitting here in an empty classroom, I finally admit the truth to myself.