It's Just Ann

Chapter 40 - Ganbarimasu

Something changes in his eyes, in the way he looks at me, which makes me think he realises now I didn't call him for a work related topic. His body tenses, imperceptibly leaning forward, he takes a deep breathe and chews on his bottom lip.

"What is it?" he asks and I think his voice is deeper, making me tremble even more.

"It's about something Cece pointed out and I don't know what to believe," I begin, and I can see the confusion furrowing his brows when I mention my best friend. "I'm scared he might be right, but I'm also terrified he might be wrong."

His chest is rising and falling in sync with mine, the tension between us is so thick, almost unbearable, as if it were choking me.

"What did he say?" It's barely a whisper, yet it sounds so loud in my ears.

"That you never said you didn't like me. You rejected me many times, but you never said you didn't feel the same way." I notice him tensing even more, the breath getting caught in his throat. "I know that shoud¡ld be enough to get the message, but he told me to ask you about it. I'm not asking you out or anything, I'm... I'm asking you how you feel about me. The truth."

Three seconds that feel like an eternity pass in which he doesn't utter a word, he just looks at me, with his hands tightly clenched and trembling. He takes the smallest step closer, with a look that could only be described as longing.

"Can you tell me that? Please," I beg, feeling my knees going weak because I can't stand this tension.

"Why are you doing this?" he asks instead, which feels like a bucket of cold water has been thrown on me. "I'm trying to spare you so much trouble, but you're not making it easy."

"What do you mean!?" I exclaim, getting frustrated because in this state my mind can't properly work.

He seems to be struggling on his own, closing his eyes for the briefest time, trying to pull himself together, squeezing his fists even tighter, making all the veins in his arms become so noticeable.

"You'r breaking me," he whispers. "Every conviction, every plan and every rule, you're breaking it all. You are making me want things that I shouldn't want, things I can't have."

"You have to be clear!" I protest. "Don't give me hopes with your vague answers."

I'm so frustrated with this whole situation that I feel like I'm going to cry any moment, not because it hurts but because it is draining me. I'm almost finished with the film, my father is back, I got the hang of this company and I know what I'll be doing with my future. All that is sorted out, but Gareth is the only thing giving me a headache.

"I'm not good for you, Ann. You deserve better," he tries to plead but it seems every word pains him.

"I know that! I bloody do, and even if I'm aware I shouldn't want you, I do, and I want to know if you feel the same way. Why is it so hard for you to tell me that? Yes or no, simple as that."

He seems so troubled, as if he were fighting a bloody war in his mind. I don't really understand, how can it be so hard for him to tell me how he feels about me? Why is he dragging it like this.

"Yes, I do," he murmurs ever so softly, I even think I've misheard him. "I do," he repeats, louder, and staring in my eyes with so much sincerity that my breath gets caught in my throat as my stomach ties in knots. "I can't tell you how much I've fought this, trying to tell myself that by staying away from you I'm just protecting you. But I still want you."

There's the faintest touch on my right hand and it takes me a heartbeat to realise it's his fingertips, he's reaching out for me.

"When I was filming in Japan you were all I could think of," he continues, letting out what he seems to have been holding for so long. "It was so distracting and bad for my job, yet I couldn't still kick you out of my heart. I just wanted to see you, to hear your voice at least. I missed you like crazy, but I kept telling myself I had done the right thing. I don't want to hurt you. If I dare to touch you so many other people will try to hurt you. I don't want to expose you to that. I'm on the spotlight and it's not fair I drag you with me."