Reckless [Dean Winchester]

26. "I'm a Goner, We Both Are."

"So...what happened?" Sam breaks the temporary silence. "I mean, Cas touched the tablet, and it reset him to his factory settings or something?"

When had Dean told him this? Maybe it was when I was lost in my mind.

"I don't know," Dean admits. "And I don't care. All I know is that he is off the reservation with a-a heavenly WMD. Listen, man, I can't take any more lies-from anyone."

"Yeah. Um...I know. I'm sorry. I should have told you. I-I...I just wanted to believe I was okay. I don't know."

"Well, you heard what Cas said-that that first trial hurt you in ways that even he can't heal. Sammy, I need you to be honest with me from here on out, man."

"You're right. And I will be."

"Listen, I may not be able to carry the burden that comes along with these trials...But I can carry you."

I scoff. "You...realize you kind of just quoted 'Lord of the Rings,' right?"

"Come on. But it's the Rudy Hobbit, all right? Rudy Hobbit always gets a pass." Sam and I snicker. "Shut up."

"Nerd," I whisper under my breath fondly.

Dean turns up the radio, and the music replaces the silence. The entire ride, my eyes are stuck between Dean and the night view out the window.

* * *

We get back in the early hours of the morning. The sun still isn't up, which throws me off to my disliking. We all shuffle into the bunker tiredly. I don't know how any of us don't fall into sleepwalking mode. We manage to remain awake long enough to find our rooms. I feel grimy, like I need to cleanse myself of the case. Was it even a case? More like a mission, I guess.

I rub my face, feeling the oily skin. I wrinkle my nose before I sit on the bed, staring into space.

I jump at a firm knock on the door.

"You okay?"

I look at Dean tiredly. "I've been better. You checking in on me?"

"Max, you were babbling to yourself like a mad woman on the drive back. Got me worried."

"It was nothing. Just...what we saw brought back some things." I shrug, wringing my hands together. "Hey, while you're here, you mind telling me what Purgatory is?"

"Now why would you want to know about that place?"

"You mentioned it a few times. What is it?"

"You know how we have Heaven and Hell? Purgatory is Monster Hell."

"Sounds pleasant. Guess it solves the mystery of what happens when monsters get killed, if they go anywhere." A grim light bulb goes off. "So...Cas died?"

"He did." He nods. "And...I did too."

I tilt my head. "Are you something otherworldly that you're hiding from me and Sam?" I tease somberly.

I get an echo out of a chuckle out of him. "Oh, no. Not me. There's nothing otherworldly about me, Max. I'm just me. Nobody special."

I purse my lips. "You tell yourself that on a daily basis? That you're 'nobody special'?" I yawn.

"I thought I was telling you Purgatory stories, not you giving me a therapy session."

"Fine, then how'd you land your ass there?"

He steps into my room. "Not too long before you showed up, Sam and I were dealing with sons of bitches called Leviathans. Nasty dudes, pretty hard to slow down, especially hard to kill. One was killed, took Cas and I both with it." He runs a hand through his hair. "I was there a year."

"A-a year?" I say slowly.

"There's a reason why I am what I am now, Max. I've been through a lot of shit, but that..." He trails off, looking at the floor. His lips quirk into a thoughtful line. "I wasn't sure either of us was gonna make it out. There was a portal that could bring you back here. Cas and I...we were so close...but he didn't make it. He'd done it intentionally." He snorts.

I decide to stand, hug myself.

"Why didn't you run when I told you to?"

"What?"

"At the crypt. I told you to hightail it out of there, but you stayed and got yourself hurt."

"Dean." I sigh. "I don't believe in leaving people on their own when they need help the most. Luckily for us, we lived through that. You don't need to worry about me. You have your strengths, I have mine. I learn on the job."

"Don't worry about you?" he scoffs. "What kind of a sick joke is that, huh?"

"It's not a joke."

"Max, just like everyone else I've ever met, you need to be protected."

"Why? Because you took me in? Because you think it's your obligation to?" I get a bit hostile. "Dean, I'm thirty-three for Christ's sake! I lived on the streets! I killed a man! How am I not entitled to be my own savior?"

"If you had run like I had told you to, you would have lived."

"Yes, and if Cas hadn't come back to reality, he would have killed your ass, and guess who would have been consumed with survivor's guilt afterwards!" I retort.

"Damn it, Max, sometimes I wish you left here and never looked back!"

Now we're both alive and livid. My eyes widen. "Gee, that's old news, Dean. You wish I disappeared and never existed! I get it." And here I thought things were beginning to change. Some things never do, it's true.

"No, you don't get it." He begins to pace. "It's just like with Sam and Dakota..."

"Who?"

"I don't believe this. It's happened to me too."

"Hey!" I stomp my foot. "Mind losing the inner monologue and tell me what's going on?"

Dean rubs his face in agitation. "You know why I want you gone, Max?"

"You've already told-"

"You know why I didn't want to keep you around when Sam suggested it?" He gets in my face; I don't shrivel in his presence. I meet his manic eyes with determined blue ones. "Because I knew, from the damn moment you tried to steal Baby, that you were trouble. I saw it coming from a mile away. But now-oh now!-it's only gotten worse!"

"I think you're forgetting the critical fact of you siding with your brother about that a short while after."

But it's like Dean doesn't hear me. "Sam and me, we don't have a choice. We can't get out of this. And because we can't get out of this, somehow, we rope people in-and-and-I've tried to push this away, Max, I really have. I've kept myself busy with everything under the sun to keep this from happening!"

"Keep what from happening, Dean?"

"This." He grabs my arms. "I have tried to ignore this. I tried to do what Sam couldn't with Dakota. But this...I can't fight it anymore, Max. It's bothered me when I get a minute to think in silence, it's bothered me every time I see you-"

His hands go to my face, and suddenly we're kissing in my bedroom. This is no timid kiss compared to the first. It's full of misdirected anger, misguided passion. My fingers find the skin of his cheeks, and one hand finds the nape of his neck.

"It's a losing battle, Max," he murmurs against my mouth. "I'm a goner, we both are."

"Gee, that's a nice way of putting it," I jeer.

"Oh, shut up."

And I do with his mouth over mine.

**Dax is official. Yes, it took me 26 chapters.

But come on, these things take time. And this is Dean Winchester we're talking about here. He and Max have been duking it out since day one.

Who knew attempting Grand Theft Auto could make sparks grow into a fire?**