Sed de sangre {manxman}

8

"I kissed Valentino," I said as if I was talking about the weather, the sound of Schmidt's grating the cheese had stopped.

I peeked at him from the corner of my eye and noticed he had stopped what he was doing completely and was now staring at me with disbelief.

"Do you know what this means?!" He squealed in excitement.

"It means nothing Schmidt, okay?" he knew what I meant by 'okay' he knew I meant I didn't suffer from anxiety as intensely as I usually do.

"Yeah, but you've never taken it this far! Holy shit Jax, do you think...do you think you maybe like Valentino and you're finally accepting the idea of a second chance at love?!".

This is why I didn't want to tell him, I knew the flamboyant gay boy in his head would have a field day with it.

"The kiss with Valentino has changed nothing, nothing will ever make me forget what Timothy did to me. Maybe...just maybe though, I can beat this anxiety maybe that's what this means?" I had tried many times with my therapists but nothing would work.

I stopped going to therapy because of anything it was making me feel more lousy than I already did in the first place.

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Schmidt gushed holding onto my hands with hope shining brightly in his eyes.

I nodded slowly biting my lip with slight uncertainty.

"I want to try and beat this, I don't know how but I'm determined to get there someday," it felt good to get this off my chest to think about the possibility that maybe someday I'll be able to touch another person with any fears, without having to think twice.

"So...was the kiss nice?"  Schmidt asks teasingly whilst wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"It was amazing, if I'm being honest. It was everything I dreamed that a kiss would feel like when I was a young boy. Thank goodness you stopped us when you did or I might have gone as far as having sex with him," I admitted my cheeks heating up at the memory.

"GET OUT! YOU DID NOT ALMOST HAVE SEX WITH THAT UNSTABLE SPANISH BASTARD!" My eyes widened in shock at his outbursts and before I knew it my hands were around his mouth stopping him from announcing anymore before the whole cafe knew my personal business.

"Keep your voice down! As lovely as the kiss had been he also threatened to ruin my life and everything in it Schmidt. I don't know what was going on with my brain when I did, why do I feel like this about him Shimmy?" Shimmy was my nickname for Schmidt, I only used it when I needed his help.

"He's bad for me, heck for anyone! Yet after years and years of not wanting a relationship, being scared of being touched or the idea of being with someone, he comes along and I have this sudden desire to touch him? To kiss and to hold him? He's just like him, he threatened to ruin my life and I kissed him? That's not normal!" I was beginning to stress out, this why I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to deal with these fucking emotions swelling inside me.

"He just has to look at me and I'm putty in his hand, any emotion he wants me to feel, I feel and I barely know him I-i it's crazy! Help me Shim, why am I feeling like this?"

Dropping the food he was prepping Schmidt pulls me tightly into his chest and I can't help but choke on a sob that traitorously leaves my throat.

"I don't know what to say Jax, I haven't been in this position before, but what I can say it that it will get better, I'll take you out tonight my treat, how's that?" I needed it to get better.