No Regrets

I can hear her screaming. I can hear the pain in every yell she lets out. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to see it, I don't want to think about it, let alone remember it. I want him to stop, but I know he won't. Why is he doing this to her? I thought he loved her? What about all those times he claimed that he loved her, all those times he brought her flowers, all those times they went out for dinner?

There she is. Just sitting there in the corner, helpless. I feel ashamed of myself knowing there is nothing I can do to help her. I want to help her, but I am six so I am not strong enough. I want to look away, but something is holding me back. With every tear and cry and yell she lets out he just gets stronger and more powerful. What did she ever do to him? Why is he doing this to her?

I can sense her looking at me. Staring at me right in the eyes. I have no choice but to look away. I can feel the tears start to stream down my face.

All I can see is nothing. Just pitch black. All I hear is that horrible sound. That whipping sound. Over and over again. One after the other. One by one. Then it stops. I hear nothing but the painful screams coming from her mouth. I look up to see why he stopped. Why he stopped hitting her. And at that very moment I see him pull out this large black object from his back pocket. What is it? I have never seen anything like that before.

I finally gather the guts to look. I look over at my Mommy. She finally opens her eyes again and looks up at him. Now sobbing, she quickly turns her head to me and yells at me.

"Look way, Analise!" But I can't. It's like my eyes are glued to her beautiful complexion. Dark, curly hair. Deep, green eyes. Pink, plump lips. She has that face. That face that once you look at her, you will never forget her. She slowly turns her head and looks up at the man. He is now pointing the object  right at her. She starts to scream again, only louder this time.

"NO! NO! STOP! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? STOP!"

She tries to get up. Her tall, long legs trying to lift up her body weight but they do this little wobble and she falls. I guess they are too weak from all the pain. I can see her trying to crawl out of the room. She looks like a little baby  learning how to walk. There she is, on all fours. Why is she trying to escape? Why now? She's not getting very far.

I move from the corner of the room I was sitting in to get a better view. I stick my head out from around the corner of the bed. I see him pull the lever on the shiny object he has in his hands.

BANG!

At that very moment everything goes quiet. No screaming. No crying. No yelling. Just quiet. My ears start to make this noise, this ringing noise that just keeps getting louder. I try to cover my ears but it won't go away. In the background is this familiar voice repeating something I can't quite make out. Mommy?

I look over and see her. She immediately stops moving. It's like all the muscles in her body are frozen and won't let her move. She tries to hold herself up, but her knees are too weak and she falls right to the ground with a loud thump.

She looks over at me. She's just laying there... staring at me. Why isn't she moving? She mouthes these three little words. I say them right back to her. Then she closes her eyes and her head falls right to the ground as she lays there in the doorway of the bedroom. I feel so helpless. It feels like I have been sitting here just staring at her for hours. Then out of the corner of my eye I see this tall figure walking towards me. I tried to scoot myself away from it. Getting as far away from it as I possibly could.  I reach a dead-end. I look to both of my sides to find that I am sitting in a corner between the wall and the bed. 

I can see the figure coming closer. I feel so helpless, so I sit here in the corner hugging my knees. Maybe if I don't look at it, it'll go away.  Then I hear a very familiar voice mumbling words I can't quite put together. Daddy? And I look up to see a very familiar face. Now I'm thinking to myself, "It's my turn now, isn't it?"  After a couple of seconds, I see the black thing in his hands again. I wonder what it is, I really do.  He points at me then I hear him say, "I'm so sorry, Analise." 

Tears - what looks like millions and billions of tears make a path going down his face. It feels like hours, which had only really been about a minute, pass by. After a moment of silence, he lets out a big sigh and yells. He moves his hands and points the black object to the side of his head. He just stands there looking at me while tears stream down his face and he says something very softly under his breath. 

"I can't do it. I just can't."

He puts his hands down, dropping the object to the floor at my feet. He's just standing there, staring at me.  

"I want you to listen to me very carefully, Analise. When I count to three. I want you to squeeze this thing right here. Only whine I say three, do you hear me?" He says while positioning the thing in my tiny hands. 

"Why?" I say with a puzzled look on my face.

"Just do it!"

At that moment, at that very second when he screamed at me, I felt this rush through my body. My body tensed up. My hands clenched together as tightly as they could. 

BANG!

Everything around me gets blurry as my eyes focus only on him. I start to hear the ringing noise again, only it's louder this time. I put my hands up over my ears. Maybe it will stop. 

Immediately, his knees fall to the ground followed by his entire body. His head turns to face me and he just stares at me. Then he takes a deep breath. What looked like to be his last breath. It feels like hours have passed by as I sit here looking into this big blue eyes. I can feel them starring right back at me. Looking deep into my soul. After what felt like hours, a trail of blood started traveling over to me. Making a pool of blood around me. 

What have I done?