Exchanging Feelings (Phan)

23. Enjoy your death

"WALK" the man who was holding my hands ordered.

I walked. The cloth in my mouth tasted awful and even if I tried to scream, it wouldn't work, simply because we were in a big farm, in the middle of nowhere. I walked to the house in silence, and tried not to panic... which was kind of difficult, considering the situation I was in. I thought it would be better if I didn't show any kind of intimidation or fear. I'd called Dan... he would call someone. I knew he would... he was probably freaking out at that point.

The house was old and not so big, but it didn't look dirty or anything like that. It actually looked like a normal farm house, where people lived.

"This is where you're staying" one of them said as he opened a door. It was a bathroom. He pushed me inside it and closed the door, leaving me alone there.

My hands were tied, but my feet weren't, so I stood by the door, trying to listen what they were saying.

"Are you sure the boy doesn't have a phone?" one of them said.

"Yes, I'm sure" the driver answered. It was weird because I had used my new phone in the car, and I couldn't remember telling him that my dad had taken it away.

"You can have it back then" the man said.

"Thank you" the driver said after a moment of silence.

I heard footsteps, which meant they were gone and I couldn't listen to them talking anymore.

This was when I panicked. I struggled to get my hands free, but it was impossible. I tried to get rid of the cloth in my mouth as well, but again, not possible. I stopped and looked around... IF I got free, what would I do? There was a little window, but I couldn't go through it... and I obviously wouldn't win a fight against those men.

So I sat down. I was starving, my head hurt. I was scared; true... what would they do to me? *They just want money* I repeated to myself. They just wanted money and they knew my parents were rich. They're not going to kill you.

But then, I thought... I'm not scared of death. If they were to kill me, it's not like I feared for my life. I was a cutter, I lost track on how many times I cut my own skin and wished I'd bleed until I died. It wasn't my problem. If they had a gun right in front of my head, I wouldn't be scared /of death/. I was scared because if I died... what would happen to Dan? He would be the last person who would have called. He was the one I called when I noticed something was wrong, because he was the only person I really loved. I could've called my dad, or my mom, or the police... but no. I called Dan. His birthday would be in a few days. If I died... what would happen to him? Truth is that, Dan was my main reason to be alive. He kept me alive. I could have jumped off the window after going back to Brazil, but I didn't, because I still had reasons to live. I still had a whole life in front of me, and deep in my heart, I knew that I wanted to live it with Dan. We still had so many things to do, so many memories to create. I didn't know him for that long... I'd met him 5 months before. 5 months... but we knew each other so well, and I felt like I'd known him my entire life. I loved that boy so much, I couldn't just throw away my chances of being happy with him. So I didn't. I didn't jump off the window, I didn't jump off a bridge, I didn't hung myself with a belt, I didn't take a hundred pills, I didn't cut myself until all my blood was gone. I didn't do any of that, and believe me when I tell you... I was close to doing that, before going to London. If I hadn't met Dan there, if I hadn't made all the friends I made... I wouldn't cope. I'd kill myself as soon as I came back to Brazil. I knew it, because I was that close. When my parents told me I'd go to London, I felt that little bit of hope I needed. So I waited, I gave it a shot. My life could change... and it did.

10 minutes later, I was still there, alone, and I hadn't listened to any other voice or noise again. You see... my body was there, but my mind was half world away, with Dan. I tried to send all the positive vibrations I could, even though I didn't actually believe in that.