Doorways to Everywhere (Tourist Trap Book 2)

Chapter 5

After what seemed like several hours, Zeke heard the familiar whooshing sound and rolled his head over to see another little green man, this one in a red bodysuit with the same gold triangle pattern on its chest. "Hello, Earthling. I see that you have finally awakened. Would you care for something to drink?"

"I could really go for a gin and tonic right about now," Zeke said.

"I'm afraid we are not in possession of any such thing. We did collect an ample supply of your Earth drink known as 'chocolate milk.' Would you like a glass?"

"Yeah, that would be good. Is there any way you could undo my straps first?"

"Yes, that is possible. Also probable as the captain has received Wigglethorp's petition and has agreed to it as he is quite anxious to speak with you."

"You're not the captain?" Zeke asked.

"No, I am Nulfar. I am in charge of our Earth collection." He pushed a few buttons and suddenly the straps holding Zeke down retracted back into the table.

Zeke sat up and rubbed his wrists for a moment before accepting the chocolate milk. He was thirstier than he realized and gulped it down eagerly. "So what's going on here anyway? We're on some sort of spaceship?"

"Yes. It is a scientific expedition commissioned by His Royal Majesty Weeblis of the planet Hoobler. We are on a mission to collect artifacts from numerous planets throughout the galaxy for further study. Eventually they will be displayed in the royal museum on Hoobler."

"Wait, you're going to put me in some sort of zoo? I don't know if I like the sound of that."

"Have no fear. Your accommodations will be quite luxurious. We treat our specimens kindly," Nulfar said.

"Yeah? Then why was I strapped to the table? That wasn't very fun."

"We needed to perform numerous tests to study your physical makeup and to ensure you carried no harmful diseases. It was all quite standard. The usual rectal probe and whatnot."

"What sort of rectal probe?" Zeke asked.

"The usual one. We balance you upright on a ten foot tall stick and see what we can find up there."

Zeke was beginning to understand where the pole vaulting dream had come from. "Okay. I really don't like the sound of that. Do you have any more unpleasant surprises in store for me?"

"Unpleasant?" Nulfar scratched his head confusedly. "We Hooblerians designed the rectal probe to be a highly pleasurable experience."

"Enough about the rectal probe, okay?" Zeke sighed. "I'd prefer to pretend it never happened. I just want to know if I'm going to have to suffer any more indignities."

"No, we want you to enjoy your stay on our spacecraft. To that end, we've even provided you with a female of your species for companionship and mating purposes." He indicated the goat.

Zeke blinked his eyes a few times. "Are you serious?"

"Yes," Nulfar replied. "Why, is there some sort of problem?"

"Yeah there's a problem!" Zeke shouted. "That's a goat! It's not even a female goat, for crying out loud!"

"You mean this isn't a female Earth human?" Nulfar asked in apparent surprise. "My apologies. I have difficulty distinguishing between Earth species. You all appear the same to me. I will have to make a note of this."

Zeke buried his face in his hands. "Good lord. Why me?"

"You fell into the range of our tractor beam when we were gathering our Earth collection," Nulfar explained. "That is why you."

Zeke stared at the alien with a wild look in his eyes. "You've gotta take me back home, man! I can't take this!"

"I am afraid we can't do that," Nulfar said. "We are on a very tight schedule and Earth is now far behind us. If we turned around now our entire expedition would be a complete failure. Do not despair, Earthman. Hoobler is one of the fairest and most advanced planets in the galaxy. You will find much to take pleasure in there."

"So when are we going to arrive there?" Zeke asked.

"If we stick to our current itinerary a mere three thousand years," Nulfar said cheerfully.

"Wonderful," Zeke groaned.

"Why the sad face? In terms of space travel, three thousand years is nothing at all. We would be there even faster, but we have numerous stops to make along the way."

Zeke stopped feeling sorry for himself for a moment and scrunched his lips up thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, three thousand years is kind of a short time to be traversing the whole galaxy. I didn't really pay much attention in my high school physics class or anything, but I thought nothing could go faster than the speed of light. And isn't the galaxy like millions and billions of light years wide? And aren't there like weird time effects when you go fast? Are millions of years going to pass on Earth during what feels like two weeks to us?"

"It's true nothing can exceed the speed of light," Nulfar agreed. "So we simply increased the speed of light. We still can't go faster than it, but we can make the light go a whole lot faster. Also we don't care to experience relativistic time effects most of the time as it makes it difficult to remember where you left off in a conversation with someone back home. Therefore we decided to turn that function off."

"Okay. I don't understand that at all."

"Of course not," Nulfar looked at him sympathetically. "You have a very small brain. It's our understanding that Earthlings have not yet discovered the principle of Moof."

"What's Moof?" Zeke asked.

"I can't explain it to you unless you first understand the theory of infinite triplicity."

"Okay, what's that?" Zeke asked.

"Well, to oversimplify it, it's the notion that everything comes in threes," Nulfar said.

"I kind of understand that," Zeke said.

"Silly Earthman, it is my belief that you do not." Nulfar laughed mechanically. "When I speak of everything I mean everything. There are in actuality three of you, three of myself, three of this spaceship, three of this universe, three groups of the three universes, three groups of the three groups of the three universes..."

"All right, all right, I don't understand it," Zeke flung his hands up in defeat.

"Until you understand that, you cannot possibly comprehend the principle of Moof. And that's a shame as Moof makes life much better."

"I'm sure that it does," Zeke rolled his eyes. He suddenly noticed that his stomach was rumbling quite intensely. "Hey, you got anything to eat around here?"

"Yes," Nulfar said. "We have gathered much in the way of quiche. Do humans enjoy quiche?"

"Well, if there's nothing else, I suppose so," Zeke shrugged.

"Oh excellent! You have no idea how much quiche we have in our storage area. Simply tons and tons of it. It is good to know that it will not go to waste. We Hooblerians find it gives us explosive diarrhea. So you can be our official quiche disposal unit!"

"I'm honored, I guess," Zeke said uncertainly.

"Here. Take this and eat it quickly. The captain will be wishing to speak with you soon." Nulfar whipped out a plate of quiche seemingly out of nowhere and thrust it into Zeke's hands.

Zeke accepted it and devoured it hungrily. It wasn't the greatest meal he'd ever had, but it was passable, considering the circumstances. He let out a belch and patted his stomach contentedly. "Yes, let's go see this captain of yours. I'm rather anxious to speak to him myself."