Spectrum

Chapter Two

We had finished up the pie and we laid next to each other, gazing up at the ceiling. "Jessie texted me today. They said that they were thinking of going to NYU for college. They want to study there mostly because the LGBTQ community there is super accepting, and its in the top forty for their journalism major." I said absentmindedly.Joshy hummed and shifted a bit, set his head in his hand as he laid on his side. "You wanna do that?" He asked. I shrugged a bit. "I mean, I've already had everything set, and my name changed so it kinda wouldn't matter, but I don't know. I feel like even past all the bullying, I'm having it easy. Think about all the other teens that are out of societies spectrum. I mean, they get shunned, kicked out of their houses, bullied because they stand out, some commit suicide, and here I am complaining because my stupid sister keeps calling me she even though I already had the surgery and the disphoria isn't that bad. I just feel like I should try to make a difference for others. Make people understand that everyone in the LGBTQ community are human just like them, and they shouldn't be treated like they are." Joshy sighed gently.

"Sean, try as hard as you might there will always be closed minded people that just don't see people the same way you do." He said gently. I frowned and crossed my arms. He was right, of course he was. But people just needed to accept. People like my sister needed to understand that views are changing, and the way we were being treated was unfair. I sighed gently and shook my head. I shouldn't dwell on that right now. I had to focus on life right now, school, and then after I graduated and got out of this town at least I would be able to focus on that. I sighed quietly and stared at the ceiling in silence. I could feel Joshy's easy breathing next to me, and I looked over at him. "Hey Joshy." I whispered gently. He opened one eye and looked at me. "What is it?" He asked softly. I leaned against him.

"You ever wondered if you're.. different? Like me?" I asked quietly. He frowned. "You aren't different, Sean. You're special, and you're going to change the world despite what others say. You're a fighter, little brother." He said gently. I smiled softly at him, before flicking his nose. "That wasn't my point. I mean like, do you ever wonder if you're not attracted to the people you are usually attracted to, or you were taught you weren't supposed to have an attraction to?" He pursed his lips. "I don't know. Honestly. I had always been attracted to girls, but I've had moments where I think that I'm attracted to this one guy, and I can't seem to get him out of my head." Okay, I don't know why that hurt my chest so much. He was my brother, even if I had a sort of attraction to him, I am not supposed to. I nodded for a second. I cuddled him. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me.

"Love first, labels later." I smiled and closed my eyes. He was right, I shouldn't worry about that too much. It all depended on the heart, labels came later. I snuggled close to him again, before I got off the bed. "I'm gonna take these down stairs and head to the shower." I said, grabbing the tray and the forks. He made a thumbs up, before I chuckled a bit and left the room. As I made my way down the stairs, I could hear my sister and my father's girlfriend speaking to each other. I felt dread hit my gut. If they were together, I had to make my trip quick and head back up. I would be safer up the stairs. I quickly made my way to the kitchen, silently passing their backs. I felt eyes on me, and I looked over. Nathan was staring dead at me. I began to panic, and I held a finger to my lips, motioning for his to keep his trap shut. He seemed to understand, because he smiled at me, and I breathed in a sigh of relief.

"Oh hey Andrea!" Oh that little BRAT! I quickly ran into the kitchen, hoping they didn't see me as I silently fumed. I swear, I would wring that kids neck if I could. "Oh Andrea! I didn't know you were here!" I contained a growl at the woman's shrill voice. What lies. She knew I was here, it was a mere two hours ago she argued with me. I sighed defeated and put the tray in the trash, before putting the forks in the sink and moving over to them. They let their eyes check me up and down. and I gripped my hands into fists. "What do you want, I have more important things to be doing." I growled. Amanda gave a laugh, her voice coated in venom. "Oh don't be rude, honey! Come on, lets have some girl talk!" I gave a deep growl. "I am not a girl, in case you haven't noticed with your cheap trashy contacts and you little Chanel wannabe sunglasses, but I am a boy. I have a penis for a reason, I would rather that you not misgender me. Again."

Emily gasped and Amanda gave me an affronted look. Good. Be offended you little queen Bitch and your bitchy princess. I turned around and walked out of the room, already done with their bull for the day. I went towards the shower and took my clothes off. I closed the door and locked it, before turning the shower on. I felt like vomiting once I stepped in. I dragged my hand around the scars, and I took deep breaths. I just had to let them get to me, did I? Now I feel completely out of it. I got under the spray and tugged at my hair, before I simply leaned against the wall. Why did they have to be such jerks. All I wanted to do was feel normal, feel like I can actually belong in this family and get used to the body that I know I'm supposed to be in, but the moment that I had began getting comfortable, they just had to send it crashing down. I licked my lips for a moment, before I felt hot tears pool in my eyes. I took a few deep breath and slid to the ground, before I pulled my knees to my chest. I felt- I felt useless. I felt like I would never be able to be accepted.

I cried in the shower for a few minutes, before I wiped my face and got to washing myself. I put a hand on my chest a felt comfort my the flat. At least my body matched my mind. It was worse back when I was just wearing a binder. It felt constricting, and my sister just loved to point out that I was wearing one. And then, I couldn't find comfort anywhere because I knew that even now alone, the moment I would take it off, I felt like I was fighting with my brain for how I felt. My brain kept towering over me with the thoughts and the disphoria, and it would constantly tower over me. I couldn't breathe sometimes with how wrong I felt. I shook the water out of my hair and sighed. I couldn't let the disphoria get to me. Not tonight. I finished taking a shower and got out, drying myself before I slipped a towel around my was it and walked out, as quickly as I possibly could. I didn't want to run into them if they decided to come up the stairs. I walked into mine's and Joshy's room and got dressed. Joshy was awake and reason a book, but he didn't pay any attention to me. It wasn't like I had any parts he hasn't seen before. I climbed into bed with him and cuddled up to him after I out the pajama pants and a baggy shirt on. I looked at his book. "What are you reading?" I asked. He looked at me for a moment. "Oh, this old thing? Its Lord of the Flies." He said, smiling kindly at me. I straightened my mouth for a second and rose an eyebrow. "What, is it about some guy that controls bugs or something?" Joshy laughed and shook his head. "No you dork. Its about these children that are stranded on an island and they're trying to survive. Its basically a battle between innocence and corruption and trying to keep the balance when society is stripped away and you're left with savages an innocents as well as a fight for keeping order." I blinked at his summery. "Wow. Sounds intense."

He chuckled and continued to read. "Its a very good book. What happened down stairs?" He asked, rubbing my back. I sighed and leaned against him. "How did you know somethin happened?" I asked quietly. He hummed gently. "I know you. And I heard the fight." He said gently. I sighed again. "They were just doing some stupid shit again. Amanda decided to misgender me again and Emily did nothing to stop her, all she really did was continue baiting her to do it. And the that brat Nathaniel decided to point me out while their backs were turned and no matter how hard I tried to hide from them they still got me out. Them the disphoria came and and I just- I told them off and I went into the shower. I couldn't handle them today." I mumbled. Joshy simply hugged me and rocked me gently, rubbing my back.

"You shouldn't have to deal with this. You're a person just like they are, they have no right to treat you like this. They're just being transphobic and closed minded." He said gently. I nodded. I knew that he was right, its just.. "Its so hard to keep them out of my head." I mumbled gently. He signed gently and nuzzled my head. "I know it is. Of course it is. This is a change for you, to finally be the person you always believed you were, and they're bashing you and tearing your confidence down with their ignorance. I know its hard, but you need to keep your head high and not sink down to their level. You need to show them that now matter how ignorant or mean they're acting, you're still stronger then they are and that you can go on and change the world's view as you keep going on." I smiled gently and looked up at him. "You think I can change the world?" Joshy smiled at me. "If you keep striving and pushing yourself, I think you can make a change no matter how small. People just need to accept that this is the future, and their views need to be opened up and they need to stop pushing everyone away." I nodded and smiled happily. I loved talking to my big brother. He always helped me go through tough times, and he gave great advice. Almost like he knew just what to say I pick me up again. I sighed gently. "I'm tired. Do you think you can turn off the light?" I asked sweetly. He rolled his eyes fondly and huffed. "I should have known you were only listening to me just so you can ask me for a favor." I laughed fondly, shaking my head. "I love you." He snorted and went back to bed. "I love you too."