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dear ross,
your siblings visited me today. they made sure that i ate your mom's porridge and they kept me company for a few hours before leaving. i don't understand though. they didn't like us together and suddenly, they started taking care of me. you know how i wanted them to accept us so badly, but now, i don't want them to be close to me. i only want you to be here... it's been sixteen days since you passed.
your funeral was only three days ago. i was present, but only for a short amount of time... i'm sorry. i couldn't handle the looks of sympathy and pity that everyone gave me. it was all too much. i'm sorry... as soon as i saw your dead body in the coffin, i wanted to leave. your beautiful face was caked with makeup, a terrible attempt to erase every single visible trace of pain you went through. even your neck was covered by some weird silicone substance, hiding the scars and the blood around your throat when you hung yourself. i couldn't stay anymore, the sight of you made me want to shake you alive back again and throw you in my arms. but it was impossible.
i miss you a lot, you know? now, i start getting nightmares. well, you can't really say that it's a nightmare if it actually happened... sometimes, when i sleep, i have images of you, screaming and crying in pain while you're suffocating in that rope. i feel like i'm going insane.
if you read this, please help me. i miss you too much and i love you.
