Love Story Telling

N.A.T.S.

Dear Natalie,

I'm sorry.

I know that sentence will never be enough for all the pain I've caused you and for all the sorrow I've brought into your life. Still, I'm sorry.

I guess you're right. I am the biggest jerk in this world and I am one certified asshole. Of course, an idiot too.

I actually don't know how to put into words all the reasons I had in mind. Para kasing mali. Parang laging kulang. I know I owe you all the explanations for all my actions and decisions back then. I just find it hard to write it down. Hindi ko kasi alam kung magiging sapat na ba 'yon o magiging kulang pa rin. But then I guess I have to begin on that night.

It wasn't easy for me to leave you that night, to leave you broken. Yet I did, right? Umalis pa rin ako kahit na alam kong masasaktan kita. I had second thoughts about leaving you, third either. But I really need that space to sort things out, to think and to assess my own feelings.

What I felt for you that time was so intense, that I totally got scared and became a coward. And all I could ever think of was to leave you behind. To hide from everything and to have my peace of mind.

I needed the space and time alone badly, that I wanted out of our relationship. Siguro nga naging duwag ako noon para sa ating dalawa. But I am holding the last hope in my hand back then, 'cause I know how much you love me that you'll find it hard to replace me. I'm sorry for doing that and thinking that way. I know I am one conceited selfish jerk.

I felt like our relationship was suffocating me. Hindi na ako makahinga ng wala ka. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin kapag hindi ka kasama. Suddenly, I became dependent on you. Na hindi naman ganoon dati. Na hindi naman talaga dapat. That's why I want my way out.

I asked for that space without even thinking of the possibilities, but believe me I needed it to be deserving for you, that you might got tired of waiting for me.

Didn't I promised I'll be back? Nangako ako pero hindi mo na ata nakaya pang maghintay. Ganoon na ba katagal na nawala ako na halos may iba na agad? Ganoon ba ako kadaling kalimutan? Ilang linggo lang?

Few weeks later after I asked for space, a friend told me you started dating someone else. The one who can give you all the time. Then I saw how happy you were in the photos like you weren't affected about us. Nakaakbay pa nga sa'yo, 'di ba? You were smiling so wide that it tear my heart to pieces. Siya na ba? Hindi mo na kayang maghintay kahit na saglit pa?