Love/Fail

Chapter 3

He didn't respond, and for once, I couldn't read him. I kept talking. "I have this plan to just see what life presents me for a while, jobs, opportunities, men, to embrace directions I wouldn't normally go in and see what happens."

Ask me, begged a tiny, desperate voice inside me. Ask me to be with you.

"So, what? You're going to date a bunch of dodgy guys? That's not exactly the most responsible idea I've ever heard."

I flinched at his cutting tone. "You were the one who told me I'm worth more than Seth. Besides, you date a bunch of girls. Why is it okay for you and not for me?"

"You're telling me all this, why?" Cody stood, his brow lowered. "Do you want me to approve? You're not moving in with me, you're not going after your career, you're not asking me to..."

"To what? To save me?" Frustrated, I stood as well, moving in front of him so he couldn't ignore me. "I don't want to be saved, Cody. The problem isn't something I need rescuing from, because the problem is me. I'm broken. I can't take chances and I'm wasting my life and I need my best friend to support me now that I'm finally trying to fix myself."

He rubbed his fingers along his eyebrows, a gesture I only saw him use when he needed to calm down. Clearing his throat, he seemed to reset, and said, "You're right. You don't need saving. I'm... I'm here for you, Mia. Whatever that means, I'm here."

The ferocity of his hug caught me off balance, and I couldn't do anything but lean into the warm circle of his arms, the safest place in the world, and simultaneously the most dangerous one too.

***

Cody drove me back into the city, but the atmosphere in the car was strained. Rather than extend the trip and have him drop me at my dad's place, I invented an excuse to jump out in the city.

"Are you sure I can't take you all the way home?" he asked as we pulled up next to Flinders Street station.

"I'm sure. I'm going to get some stuff done, and you have plans." I'd seen the message on his phone from someone called Gwen, wanting to know how soon they could meet. Normally, there was always a small pinch in my chest when I thought of Cody hooking up with anyone, but the upheaval of my emotions meant that I couldn't muster the energy to care.

"Okay. Well, call me, okay?"

"I will. I'm not going anywhere."

"You are." He smiled sadly. "You're going in new directions. I'm proud of you, even I don't entirely agree."

"Thank you." I leaned over the centre console and kissed his cheek. "Have fun with Gwen. I'll talk to you soon."

For the weirdest moment, I swore Cody was near tears, but it must have been the heater causing his eyes to water, because Cody didn't cry. He was the most emotionally stable person I knew.

I hopped out of the car and waved enthusiastically, as if I was excited about launching into the next stage of my life, even though I had no idea what that realistically meant.

Okay then, universe. Hit me with your best shot. I forced myself to smile. This was where it began.

For the next few hours, I wandered around the city, looking for opportunities to jump on. I'm not trying to succeed, I'm preparing myself to fail. Melbourne City on a Sunday was alive with lazy energy; everywhere I looked, there were events, exhibitions, shows. I walked from the station to the Queen Victoria markets, then back down to the centre of the city grid, keeping an eye out for ways to be spontaneous.