Love/Fail

Chapter 3

"You look serious, M," said Cody, sitting cautiously. "You're not about tell me you're pregnant or anything crazy, are you?"

"Pregnant, no. Crazy... A little." I played nervously with my thick braid, winding the end around my hand.

Folding his arms across his pale blue sweater, he studied me carefully. "Mia, what's happening?"

I took a deep breath of sea-weedy air for strength and said, "So, I wanted to say that I'm sorry again for the other week."

"No, Mia, I'm sorry. It's your life, and I don't mean to make you feel bad about how you're living it."

"It's true, though. I have been playing it safe. And I think it has to do with the fact I'm just not brave-"

"Hey, now," he said, bumping me with his shoulder. "That's my best friend you're talking about there."

"It's true." I shrugged. "I don't know why, but I'm not able to take chances, and the thought of losing or failing at anything makes me want to crawl into a padded room and hide forever."

"If you need a padded room, I can pull some strings and get you committed."

"Ha ha. So, anyway, I've been thinking about the stuff that I really want, and you were right."

"I was?" His voice lifted happily. "Does that mean you're going to move in, like I suggested? I promise, Mia, it'll be awesome."

He was making it worse. I held up my hand. "Cody, I can't. I actually moved in with Dad a few days ago. I meant, you were right about me not going after the things I actually want. It turns out, it's not a guy like Seth, or a job like the one I had."

"You're going to try and be a photographer? Mia, that's brilliant! I've always said, you're talented, and if you want it badly enough, we can make it happen."

"Ah, not quite..." The wind had picked up and I shivered a little, searching for the words. "I'm working out that I can't really have the things I want until I get past this fear of failure. I've got a few months' of cash to support me from my redundancy payment plus the money I had saved for my home loan deposit, and I'm going to spend some time going out and trying things. Well, actually, failing at things, and then hopefully I'll be able to chase the career I really want. Fail therapy."

"Deliberately failing? M, I'm not sure about this."

I hated the doubt in his voice. "You're the one who was just telling me to try for the things I want."

"Yeah, but you don't have to try to fail. Just go for it."

"I can't." He couldn't understand, the way my mind went into lockdown when I thought about failing at the things that mattered. "I just can't yet. I know it sounds crazy, but I sometimes feel like the hope of my dreams keeps me alive. But if I fail at those dreams, I've lost everything. Even hope."

He saw my shivering and draped a considerate arm over my shoulders. "Mia, this sounds like saturation therapy. I don't think you can get better at failing, if that's what you're trying to do. Look, why don't you make a booking to see one of my psychologists-"

"No. Cody, you're my best friend. I need you to support me on this, because I'm really hoping it will work. It's not just about work – I want to get over fear of failure in my personal life too, because I don't want to be stuck with someone like Seth forever."

"Who do you want to be stuck with?" Cody spoke softly, and his face was pinched, staring out to sea.

You. The world almost escaped me, and I touched my fingers to my traitorous lips. I couldn't say it. If he said it, it might be different, but I wasn't putting myself out there. "I want a soulmate. Someone worthy of me, and someone who makes me want to be a better version of myself."