Unhappily Married ✓

20. Mess

Taking a deep breath, he sits down next to me.

 Giving him a sidelong glance, I pick up a packet of seeds. "Todd, our yard used to look joyous and beautiful and I want it to look like that again."

He shrugs. "Um, okay."

I pick up another packet and hand it to him.

A few minutes later, I start making furrows for the seeds with the help of a rake and Todd does the same as he follows my instructions. I tear off a small corner of the packet and tap the seeds out as evenly as possible. As directed at the back of the packet, I add the fertilizer and soon Todd waters the furrows with a fine spray.

After we're done, we wash our hands and rub them dry with an old cloth.

"It was fun, wasn't it?" I smile.

 He smiles back. "It was."

As I lie down on the cool grass, I put my arms beneath my head and stare at the now gray sky. Shortly later, Todd lies down next to me, his shoulder brushing against mine.

"The weather is pleasant today," he says. 

I turn my head to look at him. "Yeah..."

I clear my throat. "Todd?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Promise me you'll take care of our yard when I'm gone?"

Staring into space, he bites his bottom lip and a few seconds later, I feel his hand on top of mine.

"I will."

"Thanks," I murmur.

After a while, I stand up and dust my knees.

"Come on, let's go inside."

The moment I turn around, Todd tugs my wrist, slightly pulling me towards him. His gaze is fixed on me and his touch sends unexpected sparks through my body. He has never looked at me with such helpless eyes and I don't understand what he's trying to tell me.

He takes a step closer, tightening his grip around my hand and before I could ask him what's wrong, his next few words catch me off guard.

"Stella, I still love you."

I can't comprehend whether to laugh or to cry. What is he saying? Is he out of his mind?

Frowning at him, I jerk my wrist free from his grip.

I turn on my heels and run away from him.

We both clearly know that there's no love left in our relationship, then why did he say something like that to me? He's driving me crazy, to be honest.

Hurriedly, I climb up the porch steps and open the main door, leaving it wide open behind me. Todd shuts the door behind him and quickly makes his way towards me.

"I-I never stopped loving you, Stella," he says, his breathing erratic. 

  "No, don't say that!"  

 I take off the cap and dump it on the couch.

He walks over to me with long strides.

"Todd, what—"

He cuts me off by cupping my cheeks and pulling me closer to him. Tilting his head to a side, he presses his lips against mine and caresses my cheeks with his thumbs. 

It's so wrong...

I'm filled with disgust when he leans closer and deepens the kiss.

My heart begins thumping inside my chest as I put my hands on top of his and detach his lips from mine. His eyes meet mine and helplessness is still evident in them.

"What is wrong with you, Todd?" I snap.

He runs a hand through his hair. "Listen to me, please."

I stagger back a step. "I don't want to listen to you."

"I love you," he sighs.

"But I don't," I mutter, clenching my fists to the sides.

He takes a deep breath. "Just listen to me for once."

His sudden behavior drives me up the wall and before thinking twice, I grab him by his collar, jerking him forward. "You listen to me, Todd, okay. I can't understand what's going on in your head, but all of this is so absurd and...and now you're talking about love, huh? Love," I scoff, "well, where was your love when I used to live here? Out of nowhere, you say you love me! How exactly do you want me to react?"

His shoulders slump as he buries his face in his hands and shakes his head.

"This is the truth, whether you accept that or not. And...and I know you love me too."

"No, I don't love you anymore," I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

He wipes his eyes quickly, blinking back tears and my hearts sinks because I know I'm responsible for this.

I made Todd cry.

He is a sensitive guy, but he has never cried over me. A lump forms in my throat, but I can't be weak, not at least now.

He should've kept his innermost feelings to himself because this is definitely not the right time to say 'I love you'. If he had said the same thing to me two months ago, I would've been exuberant, but now things are completely different. He is ruining everything. We're so close to getting divorced, then why did he feel the need to bring this up?

Love is not the only thing that holds a marriage. Many other things stick a couple together and sometimes, love is just not enough.

I need to get a grip on myself to think straight.

"Why don't you understand me Stella?" he sighs.

I groan.

"Why don't you understand me? We're this close, Todd," I say, bringing my index finger and thumb closer, "why do you love making my life such a mess?"

He looks into my eyes, making me wish the ground would swallow me up.

"Tell me a single person's name whose life is not messed up," he says, slightly shaking his head.

I put a hand over my forehead. "Why? Why did you do that?"

Everything was going smooth until he poured out his heart to me. His words still echo in my ears and deep down, I know I wanted to hear him say that to me, but I had no idea when he'd actually say that, it'd baffle me completely.

We've come so far and now going back seems inconceivable to me.

I shed a few tears and Todd's eyes never leave mine.

"Why are you crying, hon?" he asks, taking a step towards me.

Because our lives have been plunged into chaos. 

"Because," I say through gritted teeth, "things aren't going as I planned."

Why are we getting cold feet at the last minute? Our decision to get a divorce was supposed be etched in stone.

The worst part about this whole situation is that I love him too and I can't pretend otherwise anymore. I'm just sick and tired of making stupid excuses and now I've realized that all this while, I've been doing nothing, but fooling myself.

I love him too, more than he can imagine.

But love is not always enough.

                                                                         >>>>>.<<<<<

Phew! This was the hardest chapter to write so far. What do you guys think will happen next? I hope you do understand what's really going on in Stella's head.

Comments and votes are highly appreciated.

:D