Cross My Heart

Chapter 10

I tried to calmly but assertively pull Gus off of Gwen. But he pushed me back.
So I yelled, and acted like I was gonna fvck her eventually, but I was just playing a game in the meantime. I didn't quite know what to say. It came out seeming more like I just had a cuddle fetish, and I'd lead up to sex in my own time. Whatever. I'm sure that was 'a thing' for some guy out there, right?

He gave me a choice now. Fvck her right here and now, or leave and never come back. I guess he wanted to make sure I'd actually do it. Make sure I was mentally capable of using her as a fvck piece. Having no care, except getting my dick wet.
The problem was, I was NOT capable of doing that!
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
This was deep shit now.

I looked desperately to Gwen to see if I could read her face. Should I do it? Because I would, if I could tell she ok'd it first.
This was the ONLY way I had hope of seeing her again. And I'd do it for her.
I know. It sounds funny. I'd break down and have sex with this beautiful, sweet girl, as charity. I'd "force myself".
But in this situation....I wanted nothing more than to NOT have to screw her.
I did NOT want to be another "client". I did not want to actually have paid tonight, to have sex with her. I did NOT want to make her have sex with me.
I just finally started to get her to trust me, for fuck's sake!!
I promised her how many times? How many fucking times did I promise her that I would NEVER touch her in that way? NEVER hurt her?
And now.....

I couldn't read Gwen's thoughts, but I could tell she was deep inside of them. I could tell she was being mentally torn apart inside. 
She FINALLY looked up at me, and I gave her a pleading look, wanting her to make the decision and I'd go through with whatever she picked.
I didn't know WHAT I wanted her to pick. If she said no, I could walk out that door tonight, and never see her again, BUT, I wouldn't have been a fucking bastard and PAID to have sex with a woman. I wouldn't have to be just another guy she HAD to fvck.
BUT, if she said yes.....I could hopefully continue to help her have a break every night, and give her some hope in life, and help her plan her own escape.

I left it up to her. And I could tell she was equally as torn as me about it.

Her eyes met mine, and read my face.
I read her face back. She seemed to have the same pleading look I did.
She nodded her head at me, which meant she wanted me to go through with it.
I would have to have sex with her. Right here. Right now.

Oh my God.

I didn't know HOW I was going to do this.
I went over to her, and I was shaking all over.
This would be the worst sex in the history of the Universe.
Which made no sense, because it would be with a beautiful girl, who I truly cared about greatly.
If only it could have been love. If only it could have been under other circumstances.
Shit shit shit shit shit.
I'm doing this.
Breaking my promise.
But she knows why. She ok'd it. Right? She'll forgive me, right? She has to. She WANTS me to do it, so she doesn't lose me.
Ok......

"Fvck her hard....." Gus was babbling, making everything more hectic and scarier for us both.
Really? He wants me to hurt her? I won't do it. No fucking way. I will do it MY way. And it will be gentle, dammit. As gentle as I can get away with, anyway.
Shit! He yelled at me about a condom. I'd totally forgotten in my confusion.
How the HELL was I supposed to get this on? I couldn't wrap my BRAIN around what I was about to do, let alone wrap my DICK!
I wasn't going to be able to do this. He'd prove himself right. He'd prove that I wasn't mentally capable of taking a woman by f0rce. And he WAS right. But I HAD to do this, dammit.
Come on......come ON stupid fucking limp penis!!!!!!!!!!!
This was also quite embarrassing, even though she had to know why it wasn't happening for me.

When he told her to suck me, my heart sank again. I didn't want to do that to her. It's one of the most demeaning things you can have a women do to you. Having a woman on her knees in front of you is just....plain old demeaning. Even if they WANT to do it for you. It still demeans them. It still puts the guy in a position of power over her. Sure, I'd had plenty of blow jobs over the years. But that doesn't make it any different in the long run.
Trained to take orders and not hesitate, Gwen sat up and got right to it.
I still couldn't get hard, more so now, because I was officially participating in a f0rced s3x act.
I was being forced too, don't forget. This was all totally against my OWN will, too. I was enjoying this just as much as her. Which was NOT AT ALL.
But I couldn't fake it. She could. That's how she got through it every single night.