I could feel my heartbeat in my fingertips and could hear the soft hum of them lamp behind me. I was currently experiencing the most anxiety I have ever experienced, and trust me there has been a lot.
"What does this mean?" My mom asked me. We were sitting on the couch, the food network was on the TV screen behind me. I couldn't find my voice. It was like no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make a sound. I looked down and picked at my nails. My hands were shaking. We sat in silence for a few minutes. "Huh?" She pushed. Still looking down at my lap I shrugged. "The message you sent says that you think this girl in your school is cute," she paused for a second, "what do you mean by that?" I still couldn't find my voice. I felt a tear slowly slide down my face and then drop onto the blanket under me. "Are you gay?" She asked trying to get me to look at her, but I couldn't. The night before I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. On some mornings I would wake up with tear stains on my face from crying myself to sleep the night before because of this secret I held and no one to talk to about it. This secret that I had kept for over a year was being revealed. I wasn't ready. I knew that this would happen but not so soon. How was I supposed to tell someone else how I felt, when I didn't understand it myself?
"No." I responded in monotone, finally looking up to meet her blue eyes that matched my own.
"Bi?" She's asked.
"No." I stated again.
"Then what?" She asked. I could hear in her voice she was becoming slightly irritable.
"I'm pansexual." I mumbled.
"What is that?" She questioned as if I was speaking nonsense. But to her I probably was, as my sexuality wasn't a very known one. Some people don't even believe that it was real.
"It means that I don't really care about gender. I could love anybody. Boy, girl, transgender, agender...," I trailed off, "I love someone for their personality." She sat in silence. A few more tears left my eyes which I quickly wiped away. She looked like she was trying to comprehend the information that had just left my mouth. It was a strange feeling. Having something that I've kept quiet about suddenly being out in the open with one of the most important people in my life.
She took a deep breath and then simply said "ok".
I looked at her dumbfounded. I knew her views on homosexuality were good ones and I wasn't afraid she was going to be mad, but that was all I got? Ok? I had expected more questions. More...anything really. "Now come over here and give me a hug!" She exclaimed. I stared at her for a few seconds and then finally gave into her embrace. I felt the smallest weight being lifted from my shoulders.
"Your not gonna tell anyone, are you?" I asked, my voice shaking with nervousness.
"Well, of course I have to tell your dad." She said.
"No! Please not yet." I responded.
"I'm sorry, but I have to." She stated as if I had no say in the matter.
The next night she told my dad. No amount of me begging could have stopped her. Then she told my older sister, then my aunt, and more people probably. I wasn't ready for her to know, and now she's telling people like it doesn't matter? That was when I lost a large amount of trust in her. I stopped telling her things. I don't know how that night has impacted my life but if I had one wish it would be to go back in time and change it. I'm still not comfortable with anyone knowing, and it's been almost two years. Since then I have discovered two more important things about myself, one that I haven't even said out loud to myself yet. But one things for sure, I'm making sure that people don't find out until I'm ready for them to.
