The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

17 | Don't Take The Money

I win.

"Adrianna I'm just trying to help you. You-" The smell of stupid just hit me, excuse me for a second.

"Trying to help me? Kris, I can't breathe! I don't want to answer these questions. This is supposed to be fun, this isn't fun!" I yelled at her in a hysterical voice. There was something wet on my cheek, but I ignored it. It must be raining outside and Kris's car has a hole in it.

I clutched my chest as I yelled at Kris, pulling roughly at my shirt. I want to rip it open so that she can understand what is going on inside of me, but even then I would be asking for too much. Asking for somebody to understand is always too much to ask.

Kris immediately pulled over, and I looked around frantic and confused. Why aren't we moving? I just want to get out of this car. I need air.

I need a new pair of lungs.

"Adri," Kris started, as she unbuckled her seatbelt and turned towards me. I backed up against the door, but Kris still grabbed my hand. "I don't mean to scare you, you know that." She whispered gently, giving me a sincere look.

The fact is though, that I don't know that. Kris makes me feel things that no one else has ever before; in the best way and absolute worst way. She knows what to do when I am upset, and even though I don't want to admit this, she's team Adri more often than I give her credit for. Kristina is amazing.

But Kristina is human.

And humans love to prove you wrong and are filled with a million surprises. Someone could be the most amazing person to walk the planet, but even they're bound to mess up eventually. Kristina messing up isn't something that my heart will be able to take. It craves consistency and normality, and Kris takes me somewhere very, very far from there.

I had been looking away from Kris this entire time, watching the cars go by and wishing to be with them. When I felt a hand on my cheek, I wasted no time relaxing into it. It was soft, gentle, and smelled of cherry blossoms.

It was practically screaming safety.

"You know that I'm not going to hurt you Adri. I just want to take care of you." Kris had gotten as close as she could, given the amount of obstacles that are in the car.

I looked up at her through my eyelashes. "You have to take really good care of me if this is going to work Kris." Translation: You're going to have to be really good at dealing with my sadness and me.

Kris hesitated before answering. "What do you mean by "this"?"

I rolled my eyes slightly, before letting them fall to her hand on my cheek. I trailed them up to her arm slowly, as if to gesture to the lack of space in between us.

"This," I responded simply. I like what Kris said earlier; I like just existing with her.

She nodded, smiling, and I didn't mind this time. "I'll take really good care of you." She whispered gently.

I nodded and gave her a smile back. I hope that she doesn't take this as a sign of me trusting her, because I don't. This is me accepting her presence. I'll want to stab her less is all. Maybe I'll even want to hug her every now and then.

"Okay Kris, but no more questions," I warned, leaning back into my seat. I don't particularly like passing out. Oxygen is also really hard to breathe without lungs. I need oxygen to continue trying to do this little thing called "living". It's really boring but apparently, it gets better.

"No more questions." She agreed, then settled back into her seat, beginning to drive again.

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