The Girl Who Saw Through Jem

Jem: First Dates (edited)

"Well," she huffed, as she licked the salt off her fingers from eating fries. She knew I was bluffing. She knew me that well. "We just kissed. Twice. So what are we?"

It was so difficult to solidify the idea of being girlfriendboyfriendoohcouplecouple with Ellis, not because she was gross or anything, but mainly because she's been a really good friend and I kind of actually cared about her. I can't think of her like one of my throwaway fucks and I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to cheapen her, especially when she deserved much more. I bit my lip at the thought of her. My best friend, my enemy. I would never deserve her. I wouldn't sleep with her or treat her like a side chick or recklessly cheat on her like I had with all my previous girlfriends.

Because she deserved a hell lot more than what I normally do. Then, with revolting disgust, I recoiled, realizing the small seed of guilt and remorse flaring in my gut. For the first time I cared about somebody else's feelings; because I couldn't swallow the pill of Ellis having me as a shit boyfriend.

"Well, we are two friends who acted on impulse," I smiled feebly and Ellis sighed. "We are stupid. But we're human so it's forgivable. We're friends."

"No, we aren't." She grasped my hand in hers. "Jem...look, if you don't want to become anything, we don't have to. I get it; you don't like-"

"It's not that," I blurted before stopping myself.

"Well, what?" she demanded, patiently, waiting, blinking, alive. Under the bad yellowy tinted lighting, she placed her chin on her palm and gazed at me inscrutably. By the corner, an old analogue clock was ticking loudly; every second boring holes into my skull like two steel rods.

I feigned interest elsewhere and snatched my hands away from hers. "I don't want to hurt you. And I tend to hurt people."

Ellis laughed, tugging me closer to her, stringing me up with heartstrings, "You can't hurt me."

"You'll be surprised." There was that itch again. In my lungs, there was this underlying itch to grab cigarettes and smoke it, the itch to go back down the drain. I swallowed painfully and ran my tongue all around in my mouth, savouring the aftertaste of cheeseburger and fries. "I don't want to..."

"Do you feel the way I do?" Ellis whispered after I trailed off, unable to find articulation.

I didn't answer for her. My lips were pursed because the truth was straining to get out. Fuck, I was so fucked.

"You do, don't you?" Ellis finished for me, then she went on, pushing, trying. "You're just afraid-"

"Stop pretending you know me," I snapped.

She blinked, unfazed to my unpredictable behaviour, the rashness in my decisions. She didn't get angry like before at my rudeness, she remained impassive, though her eyes darted between me and the fries.Not a smidgen of an expression flashed across her face, no two points of colour flaring in her cheeks, refusing to reveal what was brewing within her head. Instead, she tightened her fingers around mine, as if afraid I might let go. I think she'd began to grasp a leverage upon understanding on me. How I worked. Damn smart people. I couldn't even fool her if I tried. I snorted.

"Jem," she sighed next to my ear. It was just a sigh; no nagging or sulking – it made me turn unconsciously toward the voice. Ellis's chin was resting on her shoulder, mud brown and honey flecked eyes clearer than before, a look of unusual melancholy about her face. Our cheeks touched and I turned back to the tray of abandoned fries. I couldn't remember what I was so mad about anymore. "Can't we just give it a try? Can't we give us a try?"

She was looking at me earnestly. Give it a try? She was one of those girls who stick to the conventional; boyfriends, girlfriends, unlike me who rolled around in one-night-stands and friends-with-benefits. "Okay," I managed to spit out, ignoring the feeble spurt of guilt when a smile lit up her facial muscles. I attempted my most disarming smile, like the ones you perfect in front of a mirror, even if the arrangement felt strange, foreign, unnatural and painful. "We'll give it a try."