p e n u m b r a (discontinued)

Chapter 9: Secrecy Smoke

You weren't like anyone else on the planet. You had the ferocity of a thousand lions. You seized every moment because you knew it was yours to claim. I see it now in all the pictures. Here, you were on stage at the Mercury Cafe, performing one of your pieces. Your voice echoed through the cafe that day. A simple slam poem started a revolution. People loved you, and you embraced that stage as if it was your throne.

Oh, and here. This was a perfect shot of you at the Cathedral, smoking on the polish marble steps. You turned seventeen that day, and you said that all you wanted for your birthday was silence and a smoke. I didn't see that coming, you were such a party girl. I thought you wanted to go have a coke party in the Cathedral, or perform at the Merc, or go skinny dipping with guys by the lake. But you knew what you wanted. You have this aura of authority in this photo.

But here, this is a photo of the both of us. We were in your room, sitting together in the corner. I was fourteen at the time, and you were still sixteen. I was wearing your extra large Nirvana T-shirt, and I sat with my bare legs criss-crossed, disregarding the decency of covering my red panties and keeping my legs closed. You were topless, wearing a black and lacy bra. And you were wearing my black ripped skinny jeans. Do you remember who took this picture? Maybe one of your old boyfriends took it. But here you were hugging me and kissing my cheek. I remember how safe I felt with you. You were always so strong, so confident. You had so much resolve in those golden eyes of yours. I loved that about you.

Reminiscing about you is hard. I'm not exactly over what happened. I made many mistakes, we both did. I want to make it up to you. Do you remember that thing we used to do? The Secrecy Smoke tradition we had? You always took the whole act of sharing secrets so seriously. It wasn't a silly teenage girl thing to you. It was like a way of life. I remember when you first introduced the whole idea to me.

Hey we're friends right? you told me. Friends always share secrets, but I get it if it's hard to tell me things directly. Let's do it a different way.

I remember how you tore a piece of paper for me and gave me a pen. You did the same for yourself. You see, what you do is write down the secret you want to tell me. Without showing me the paper, you take a couple spoons full of this stuff. You took out a big plastic bag filled to the brim white a white powdery substance. You place the coke on the paper and you roll it up into a make shift cig. Then give it to the person you're telling the secret to. The legend says that when the person smokes the cig, God will whisper the secret in their ear and those two are forever bound together by the secret. It was all bullshit. You made the whole thing up. But I was only fourteen, and I idolized you. So I believed you, and I did exactly what you said.

With all the courage in my heart, I wrote down the biggest secret I ever had in my life. Even now I remember how much strength it took to write 4 simple words. You're probably laughing at me now because I took such a stupid secret so seriously. I wrote down the words "I love Clarity Prince" in big bold letters. I poured cocaine on the slip of paper and rolled it up. I couldn't forget the smile that spread across your lips when I handed you the cigarette. You took out your lighter and set the cig ablaze. Slowly you brought the tip to your lips and took a long drag. and then I saw my secret escape your lips and float in the air with the smoke. You looked like an adult with the cigarette in your hand, so elegant and beautiful. You looked back at me and said Your secret will always be safe with me. And you reached over and kissed my cheek. It was that day that I fell in love with the idea of Secrecy Smoke.

Now, here I am. I'm sitting here in this dark and cramped room without you. I take out my school bag and take a piece of paper and a pen. And then I take out the small plastic ziploc bag filled with cocaine. I want to continue our tradition, in your name. I want to let the secrecy smoke escape in the air, in honor of you. I rip the loose leaf paper and start writing the secret that has been weighing heavily on my heart ever since you were gone. This secret that I am about to lift off of my shoulders would be the first step to finding closure and redeeming myself for you, Clarity. This is my first act of redemption: confessing my sins. On the piece of paper I wrote down in big bold letters "I am the reason Clarity Prince is gone". I take in a deep breath and continue our ritual. Two teaspoons of cocaine is placed upon the piece of paper and I roll it up into a cig. I take the lighter out of my pocket and set the tip ablaze. I take one more deep breath. I have to do this, for Clarity.

Quickly, I place the cig to my lips and take a long drag. But this is different. I feel smoke and tar enter my lungs. I feel my lips crack, my tongue burn, my gums rot. It's the most disgusting feeling I have ever experienced in my life. It's the first time I tried coke since I got clean. I must have done I really good job, because I clearly don't have the desire to smoke this ever again. I start to choke and puffs of smoke violently drive themselves out of my throat. I wheeze, struggling to breathe and accidentally throw down the cig, extinguishing the flame. When I finally calm down and catch my breath I laugh. I laugh louder than I have ever laughed before. My entire body quakes with violent laughter, and then I shiver and cry. My sobs were loud and heavy. I feel a storm of lachrymose tears cover me. I'm surrendering myself to so much despair. All I want is for Clarity to hear me.

"Answer me, please. I need you Clarity. What the fuck am I supposed to do without you? I'm hopeless. Hopeless! Please help me. I'm begging you!" I yell at the top of my lungs. No one answers. I go hysterical, kicking and thrashing and curling up into a ball. I failed Clarity. I failed.

I failed,

I failed,

I failed,

I failed,

I failed.

After an hour of crying, I stand up and lay myself across the bed. I take heavy and deep breaths. Each and every breath feels toxic, and takes every burning piece of energy to take in. I'm losing my mind, all because of you...

"You're never going to forgive me, are you? Whatever, It's cool. I don't deserve it," I talk to the ceiling. Another tear slowly rolls down my face.

"I'm not giving up though. I'm gonna redeem myself to you. No matter what it takes. I promise." I stay silent, waiting for some sort of response. I hear nothing.

"I love you Clarity Prince." I whisper desperately to myself. "I always will." But as a final punishment for today, Clarity replies to my crestfallen cries with cold and harsh silence.