The Last Snow

5. The Last Snow.

So I sit there, still staring at my hands ad the nurse walks away.

Chris tries to get me to talk to him but to no avail.
He reassures me that Ricky's in a better place, but dammit I don't want Ricky anywhere but with me. It sounds selfish but the best place for him to be would be in my arms, safe and sound back at our apartment.

And even if Ricky is in a 'better place', I'm still stuck in hell on Earth.

I sit there for hours. Hours on end, I'm too numb to cry and scream and break shit and punch a wall like I want to.

They try to get me to go home with them, but I lie and say I'm staying to wait for Ahren.

Truth is, I don't want to go home. I don't want to go back and lay in bed wishing Ricky was there next to me. I don't want to get the 'I'm so sorry about what happened' texts and phonecalls. I don't want to call Ricky's family and explain. I don't want to see poor old Dexter sitting on the windowsill staring at the door waiting for Ricky to walk in.

I don't want to face the next day without Ricky. I don't want to fully realize what's happened and sit alone and cry without him comforting me. I don't want to visit Balz and Ryan-Ashley and have them ask if I'm okay and have Lexi ask where Ricky is.

I don't want to go on Tour without Ricky. I don't want to look over during a show and see a touring guitarist instead of Ricky. I don't want to start a show without Ricky saying 'good luck out there' or end one without one of his quick kisses and him saying 'you did great'. I don't want to face my nightmares and have no one in my bunk to tell me it wasn't real.

I don't want to put on a mask of strength at his funeral. I don't want to go through the service acting like I'm okay. I don't want to face his grieving family and friends. I don't want to deal with the pain of his funeral at all. Because I know I'd need his hugs and him saying 'it's okay'.

I promised him I would protect him. No matter what.
But I also promised to love him until death. I just didn't expect it to be so soon.

I already miss holding his hand during a bad day and assuring him things would get better.
I miss calming him down during an anxienty attack and him looking up at me with his beautiful eyes and whispering 'I love you'.

I miss him already.

Without Ricky, I have no one.

THE END.