It's Sunday, I went to church early.
I tried to be one of the singers to the church, and they said I need to be trained first so ig I have to work hard to be one of their singers.
I went home feeling tired yet hopeful.
I slept without even eating my lunch as I didn't eat my breakfast, the only thing I ate is from the church, sopas.
My mom is angry again. Complaining how badly I wanna study to this private school. What's so wrong wanting to go in that school, I even tried to get scholar, discount at least to decrease the original tuition.
Why is she always like so mad at me when I just want to enjoy and do what I want?
Can't she just fully and happily support me?
Even if she did buy or support me, she would all be complaining about it like feeling force.
That school has became a home to me, a home where it holds a special place in my heart as thats where I met new friends and even experiencing events like concert and sports fest.
Idk what to do.
Since childhood I already felt a burden, getting beaten up worse leading to my traumatic childhood and leads to not being able to enjoy much like finding friends and getting all angry and sad.
I always remember everytime I get beaten up by her just because she had an excuse of having a "traumatic childhood." I always remember the punch in my stomach, pulling my hair, getting strangled in my neck, kick every part of my body, smack in my face, a tape in my mouth just so the others wont hear my cry, a hit in my butt til its all red, getting hit in my arms and legs til it turned purple by broom or even metal, getting hit by a big chair, my head smashing to the wall, getting pointed by a knife or even death threats. All of it I experience since I was a kid, but then I have to understand because we have financial issues, she have a trauma from her past, and after every beating an scolding, all I get is her sweet comforting sorry, expecting like it didnt hurt at all.
I just want to be healed by just having fun to an environment where I feel loved and accepted, I wanted to change and do good.
But...
Sometimes I just wish that I was never born if I'm only going to experience and have trauma for the rest of my life. I keep thinking on how to just disappear but I dont have money not if theres someone willing to help, also thinking on how to just end my life without experiencing the pain.
Shouldnt a parent who experienced trauma from childhood doesn't let that happen again to their child or even pass it on them as they know how much it hurts to make their child experience it?
Idk what to doooooo
I say that im saved and healed by my Father, our Lord, yet it still haunts me and idk how I can be able to overcome this without even thinking of ending my suffering.
I dont understand whats so special about me or why was I even made/even born if I am going to experience the abuse mentally and physically?
Im not scared of death, im scared how hurt it is the experience and even how my friends would feel or react about it.
Maybe if im not scared a thing in this world, then im ready to end it all.
