Full

Chapter One: Page One

(Please read content warnings before reading xx )

Ian's POV (Wednesday 11th November)

The new boy on the ward cried all damn night.

I know it sucks balls coming here, but damn, I couldn't sleep. But today is weigh day, the dreaded weigh in. We get weighed 3 times per week, so fun! Though, my eating never got bad because of my weight though, I knew I was always pretty normal, maybe even on the skinner side, but it was more control. My brother moved away for College, my big sister has always kind of been our mother basically, she was struggling with work as we were all broke, my younger siblings were their normal ratbag selves, and I guess part of me felt so out of control, everything was so busy and chaotic that I started controlling my food and exercise. I wanted to be in the military, I have since I was a child. Since I'm 17, I was getting further up the ranks in ROTC, and that meant more training, I graduate next year so my studies got harder, everything was getting more stressful, so I started dieting. Well, I have always been dieting, watching what I eat as being in the military, you need to be healthy and strong, but I started going on a harder, tighter diet, more exercise, I started rapidly losing weight. Again, it wasn't about weight, it was about the control and the euphoria I got from having that control, finally something in my life was up to me... But, that only lasted so long, you can only go so long without fuelling yourself properly before you lose that control, and eat what feels like everything in the fridge.

I went back and forth between binging and restricting, but then I had this random idea of something that might help that I've seen people do in movies... I wouldn't recommend because it's definitely not fun, but I started making myself sick, not all the time, but every time I would binge. Or, I would sometimes use laxatives, so giving myself massive diarrhoea would make me feel in some way like I still had control, but I didn't... Apparently. But, with hours of exercise everyday, one meal if that, or eating heaps and either making myself vomit or laxatives, or both on top of exercise, my weight got very low. I wore baggy clothes, I put layers and layers under my ROTC uniform so it didn't look baggy, but it got to a point where my sister noticed. She barged in one day when she heard me throwing up, I was just in boxers because I was sweating so badly from the straining and she saw how bad things had gotten. And I won't act like I couldn't tell, I knew how tiny I was, I knew how sick I looked, and I guess part of me was worried I'd die, but also, I felt so in control and so happy with my ability to control my life, that I couldn't stop... Until my body gave out, which was 2 weeks ago, I was at ROTC training and I guess it was the lack of food plus the exhaustion that got me, I was on day 2 of no food, only water, and I had gone for a 6 mile run that morning, then I went to ROTC training after school and that's all I remember from that day, I fully collapsed.

I was sectioned under the mental health act, when I came around I tried to leave, I was so angry that an ambulance was called, I just fainted, it's not that serious, but apparently I wouldn't wake up, but I pass out often, so I was angry. But the doctors told me my heart rate was dangerously low, my oesophagus was apparently at risk of tearing if I keep purging, that would kill me. I've had a stomach motility test, and I have gastro-paresis, meaning that my stomach will hold the food I eat for hours so I feel full, bloated, I get constipated, or it comes back up. That's one thing about purging, is even if I eat something I plan on keeping it down, sometimes it comes back up anyway because my stomach is fucked up and doesn't keep food down often, which I am fine with but the doctors here are trying to fix everything. The worst part of everything, both being on bedrest and having an NG tube. It was placed the first full day I was here, apparently my BMI was to low and with how bad my stomach is, I apparently didn't have a choice and that was the worst experience I've ever been through. They told me it wasn't suppose to hurt, but it did, placing it hurt so much and even now 2 weeks later, it still rubs the back of my throat which already hurt from the acid, so I am not coping well. I am also struggling with bedrest, I'm not even allowed to walk to the bathroom, which sucks because every time I need to pee I have to press the call button and hope a nurse can help me before I piss the bed.