But didn't Conn make me feel the same?
What was I supposed to do?
When Fenn's eyes flicked towards me, some sixth sense telling him I was lurking, I gave up on hiding from him. Stepping into the pool of firelight, I forced a smile, though even trying to act nonchalant caused tears to well up, burning my eyes. His frown deepened further as he passed his guitar to Aetherlwig and stood, making his way through his people to join me.
I ignored the way the others watched us with curiosity and suspicion, focused only on my Abroðen. It was automatic to lean up, to kiss him as he stopped in front of me. I needed to taste him, to inhale his familiar forest scent. As tears tracked over my cheeks, dripping off my chin, I threaded my fingers through the shaggy locks of his hair and pressed my body against his. The pain in my chest was intense enough to pull a sob from me, even before Fenn eased back.
His hands remained on my waist but he broke the kiss. "Are the tears because he said something he shouldn't have again? Or are they because you're here to say goodbye?"
"I'm not here to say goodbye," I denied forcefully. "He won't have me anyway."
I winced at how that declaration sounded, like I'd only come back because Conn had refused me.
"I hate this," I murmured, pulling away from Fenn entirely and beginning to pace. "Love isn't something I lie about. When I said I loved you, I meant it. I do love you. I also love him. It's enough to drive a person mad because I can't stop loving him, but I don't think I'll ever be able to stop loving you. One of the Wyrdæ... the Wyrdæ for goodness sake...! Said that I don't break the bonds I forge. This is me now, forever."
Wolves began to slip away, trying to give us some privacy, not that I paid them much heed as I continued my outburst. "And I don't know what to do. He said so much tonight. Things he should've said when I first pulled him back. Or if not then, at least sooner than this. But he didn't because he doesn't think he's worthy and he wanted to push me into someone else's arms. Now he has, and the idea of going a day without you is incomprehensible. I despise that wanting him makes me feel I'm betraying you. I loathe that wanting you means giving up on what I've clung to for a millennium. I detest that I feel this conflicted because I love both of you."
Fenn grabbed my wrist, pulling me to a standstill. "That's a lot of hate for a woman in love, Wiðercorra."
Pushing my hair back behind my ear, he lowered his mouth cautiously to mine. "I don't feel betrayed, love. I knew who you were and where your heart was when we started this. I caused this, and I'm sorry."
"That's another thing I abhor," I muttered, still frustrated. "You blame yourself. Conn blames himself. But it's all Tiw, every scrap of it. He caused all of this."
I dropped my forehead to the solid planes of Fenn's chest. My hands knotting in his t-shirt. "I don't know what to do. Losing him still hurts so much, but losing you will hurt too. He won't have me, and you doubt me so much that I'm terrified you're going to decide I'm too much of a risk. I feel like I'm on a train, heading for a crash, and nothing I do will prevent the impact."
"I'm not going to decide anything of the sort, love. I won't push you away." Gripping my chin, he tipped my head up, "I'm yours for as long as you want me to be."
Always there was that belief that I'd turn away. It was always 'for as long as I wanted him to be', as if I'd ever stop wanting him to be.
Sighing, I turned away from him, walking towards the dying embers of the fire. "You're always waiting for the end. For the moment you lose." Pausing by what remained of the bonfire, I put my hands out, feeling the rising warmth. I tried to take comfort in it as my body began to grow cold. The combination of sorrow and hunger causing a chill to creep through me. "You're always waiting to be hurt."
Chapter 24 - Freyja and Fenrir
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