All the Love that Stayed

Chapter 3 - Spaces between Waiting

I get used to waiting... waiting for Daddy to come home. Waiting to spin around in my new dress, to brush my fingers through my hair, waiting for his compliment.

He always does, and I never get tired of it. That moment, when he looks up from his papers, or pauses at the doorway, and smiles at me. It makes all the hours of waiting worth it.

I was so heartbroken, miserable. I had tried to hide it, tried to laugh with strangers and sip my drink like everything was fine, but the tears kept sliding down my cheeks anyway.

When Dad finds out, he rushes over.

He kneels down beside me, not saying anything at first, just letting me cry into his shoulder. My arms find their way around him, clutching him like he could hold all the broken pieces of me together.

He pulls back just enough to look at my face, his brows drawn together in concern.

"Anong nangyari?" tanong niya softly, wiping a tear from my cheek with his thumb. "Bakit ka nandito? Bakit ka umiiyak ng ganyan?"

"Si Aster..." nanginginig ang boses ko. "Nag-break na kami, Dad. Kasalanan ko. Ako yung sumira."

Sandali siyang natigilan, then a small, unexpected laugh escapes him.

"Ay, anak," sabi niya, umiling. "Normal lang 'yan. Ganyan talaga kapag fresh pa ang break‑up. OA ka lang ngayon kasi masakit pa."

I shake my head, tears streaming freely now.

"Hindi mo naiintindihan, Dad," mahina kong sabi. "Parang... hindi na ako mabubuhay nang wala siya."

His smile fades a little at that. He places a steady hand on my shoulder.

"Akala mo lang 'yan ngayon," sagot niya nang marahan. "Pero mas malakas ka kaysa sa iniisip mo."

Bigla niyang kinuha ang cellphone niya sa bulsa niya. Natigilan ako, nagtaka.

Walang s'yang sinabi-basta lang nag dial ng numero, at sandaling naghintay bago ko narinig ang boses niya.

"Hi..." mahina niyang sabi sa kabilang linya.

Si Mom ang tinawagan n'ya. They've been separated for three years.

I stare at him, confused.

I watch his fingers tighten around the phone. His jaw is tense, but there's a softness in his voice I've never noticed before.

Does he miss her? Does he... regret it?

"Good night," he says again, more firmly this time. "Sleep well. Take care of yourself."

And then he hangs up. He looks at me, pretending nothing happened. "Kaya?" he asks casually, as if it's normal.

"Dad, I'm going somewhere," I whisper, my voice barely carrying over the quiet of the cemetery.

I sit on the cold, rough stone of his grave, tracing the letters of his name with my fingers.

Life... it really did end when he passed away.

I take a deep breath, letting it shake out of me.

I don't know how to do this without you. I still wait for you to come home. I still want to hear your voice telling me I'll be okay.

"I know you'd tell me not to cry," I continue softly, a tear slipping down my cheek. "But I can't help it. I miss you. I always will."

I look at the small bouquet of flowers I brought, my hands trembling as I place them gently on the stone.

I wish you were here to see me now... to tell me I'm stronger than I feel, like you always did.

Juggling the little chaos of running drills and cheering for the kids.